Skip the fling, focus on your wife

Cary Valentine is a certified relationship expert, author and wedding officiant. His passion is to assist singles, couples & families to overcome daily challenges and create a juicy life. For more info and relationship videos: InLoveForever CaryValentine

Aloha Cary,

I’m attracted to a young woman at work and I believe the feeling is mutual by her flirtatious behavior. Feeling deprived and frustrated with my wife of seven years. At first all was great. Since we had our child three years ago, the intensity and passion of our relationship has become ice cold.

I love my family and enjoy being a father, yet we’ve become roommates as my wife gives much of her energy to our child. With little “couple time” my patience is running thin as my sweetheart has disappeared. Do you think it’s a good idea to pursue the office fling?

Lonely in Lihue

Aloha Lonely in Lihue,

I have to hand it to you, most folks in this situation, let their emotions get the best of them without thinking through the ramifications. Partners eventually find out about the affair which causes much strife and chaos in their relationship, families, friends, community and even their jobs.

Affairs may be fun and exciting at first yet they often cool off. I suggest you don’t get involved with someone until you’ve sorted out your relationship, as an affair often clouds our senses.

Your wife maybe self absorbed in “negative” thoughts and caring for your child, that she may not be thinking how unsatisfied you may be. Find out but not with resentment toward her. Get a babysitter, go for a walk on the beach, a hike in the mountains or stay at home and have a heart to heart talk with her. What you say may be shocking to her, so ask her to simply listen to you and allow her the same respect (don’t respond or interrupt until you are both finished sharing your feelings/desires/needs).

Be extremely honest with each other. Own your feelings. Do your very best not to make her wrong for what’s happened (i.e. “I feel like we have lost the care and affection for each other. It’s very important to me we rekindle this and have a mutually satisfying sensual relationship. Do you feel the same?” Ask her, “Would you like to renew our relationship?”).

Be very interested in knowing her thoughts and feelings. What’s happened to her libido? You may be surprised. She may have “inner demons” saying she’s “heavy and unattractive” since giving birth, causing her desire to wane and thinking you don’t want to make love to her anymore. Which gladly isn’t true. If this is the case, support and assist her in feeling sexy again.

If things don’t change for the better, try expressing your heart out in a hand-written letter. Here, you can let her know how much you love her and your desire for things to work out best for your family. However, if things don’t begin to transform, your relationship will change and may end. Mentioning to her your yearning to have an affair can complicate the matter, but it could also be the piece that could awaken her to action of how unsatisfied you are, therefore hold back sharing this piece as your last resort, if at all.

Watch “Fireproof,” a movie where a troubled couple turns their relationship around. Start going on dates. Take a class; go out socially together to spice things up to rekindle that love you shared before the baby. Seek out professional assistance to handle any deep-seated emotional patterns. 

This lull in a life long relationship is common, if you two want to deepen your intimacy, you can do it. Keeping the situation faithful and clear emotionally and spiritually is key. Think of your love for one another (and your child) and the reason you both fell in love to begin with. Explore all options before ending the relationship. If the relationship ends, then go out on a date with whom you like. Your desire to have an affair is a sign you are feeling disconnected with your wife.

Hopefully she will recognize your love for her and want to rekindle the passionate fire, honesty and sensual healing. My prayer is that you and your wife have an affair with each other.

Warm regards,


Cary Valentine is a certified relationship expert, author and wedding officiant. His passion is to assist singles, couples & families to overcome daily challenges and create a juicy life. For more info and relationship videos: CaryValentine


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