Aretha Franklin sang a Rhythm & Blues hit long ago about how respect was what she wanted most from her mate. In Teen Court more harassment and assault charges were about respect than anything else. In mediation cases both sides
Aretha Franklin sang a Rhythm & Blues hit long ago about how respect was what she wanted most from her mate. In Teen Court more harassment and assault charges were about respect than anything else. In mediation cases both sides can usually get more of what they want when they are willing to respect themselves and the other side. Dr. Mar-shall Rosenberg, who is credited with developing non-violent communication, lists respect as one of our basic needs. (c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org).
Anyone can use his list if you credit them as above. That’s a hint to teachers or others who work with people. (http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory).
So what is this powerful thing we call respect? The definitions are: “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements; due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others.” In the first definition respect is earned. We respect a teacher who models the character traits we want students to learn, and who can teach the objectives of the class he/she is teaching so that his/her students learn it. Or we respect a scientist who has discovered a remedy for one of the world’s problems.
The second definition implies that I respect others’ feelings, rights, traditions, etc., even without a great achievement. We can take that back to the Constitution that states, “that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” So ultimately we are to respect everyone.
That’s not always easy to do. It takes faith in the ultimate inner goodness in everyone. I remember Teen Court kids saying that they just couldn’t respect another because that specific person had done some cruel things to others, like putting them down or bullying them. Certainly we can’t respect that behavior, but a person isn’t his behavior. The per-son chooses his behavior but that can change. Again, our government supports this belief, or criminals would get locked up and stay behind bars forever.
We all know true stories about how someone going down the wrong track turned his/ her life around and became a great help to society. Dr. Bill was an alcoholic, but he decided to clean up and became a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA has helped millions of people. That deserves respect. Probably as an alcoholic he did things that didn’t seem to deserve respect, but we still respect him. Within us all is potential for greatness, and kindness, and that is what we must remember to have respect for in others. Psychologists have proven that what teachers and parents expect kids to do or how to behave, they are more likely to do. Our believing that a person will reach his/her fullest potential may just help them get there more easily.
Here is a self-evaluation test you can take to see if you are respectful. If you are a respectful person, you’ll answer “yes” to all or most of them. You can also ask yourself why you answered “no” to some of them. You may want to look at things differently.
1. I treat other people the way I want to be treated.
2. I am considerate of other people.
3. I treat other people with civility, (politeness) courtesy and dignity.
4. I accept personal differences.
5. I work to solve problems without violence.
6. I never intentionally ridicule, embarrass, or hurt others. (http://www.goodcharacter.com/ISOC/respect.html).
Really, isn’t that the kind of person you’d rather hang with? I know that kids, especially middle school age kids, think it’s great fun to put others down, as part of their chosen social interacting, but I also know that most kids don’t really like it. By the time kids get to high school, they don’t do it as much.
Kids can learn about respect by understanding good sportsmanship. Even if the other team loses, we honor that they practiced, showed up and did their best. We’d want the same treatment for our team. People are uncomfortable watching players treat each other with disrespect, and there are penalties for foul play. A study of 3 midwestern universities in 2005 revealed that most coaches actually consider that teaching good sportsmanship is part of their job. (http://www.momsteam.com/team-parents/coaching/sportsmanship/good-youth-sports-coaches-teach-model-and-demand-sportsmanship-f).
We mostly learn to be respectful by being treated with respect. We’re not born with the quality, but it can be learned. It’s learned when we are treated kindly and fairly, supported when we ask for help, listened to and appreciated. We learn better when people give us praise for doing the right things, rather that being criticized for doing the wrong things.
Dr. Marilyn Price-Marshall, Ph. D., is a developmental psychologist. She published an article June 23, 2012, on the Psychology Today website called “Teaching Civility in an F-word Society.”
She mentions that children see name-calling in Congress, and negative political ads. Shows like “The Apprentice” and “Survivor” consider back-stabbing admirable, and in many ways “are exposed to rudeness, vulgarity and violence that would be unthinkable in previous generations.” (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-moment-youth/201206/teaching-civility-in-f-word-society).
She suggests “15 ways that children learn civility from adults: (or peers?).
1. Lead by example
2. Think about the impact of our words and actions on others first. (before we say something we’ll regret).
3. Treat children and adults with the respect that we expect them to treat others with.
4. Apologize when we are wrong.
5. Disagree with intelligence, humor, and civil discourse (dialogue).
6. Don’t let anger and emotion get in the way of listening to others.
7. Teach character strengths, like respect and empathy at home and in the classroom.
8. Demand civility of our politicians and public servants.
9. Set ground rules for civil behavior at home and in classrooms.
10. Challenge people’s views but don’t attack the person.
11. Be tolerant of other people who are different from us.
12. Praise others for their civil behavior, regardless of their viewpoints.
13. Empower children to take a stand against bullying.
14. Remind kids often why we should be civil. (It feels better for everyone, and is more helpful).
15. Teach kids how to become engaged (pro-active, involved) citizens.
Be respectful to yourself as well. Treat yourself kindly. Don’t do harmful things to your mind or body. Forgive yourself when you make a mistake and don’t beat yourself up over it. Just find out how to do better next time. Love yourself. It helps you respect others, and it feels better than putting yourself down. Then your can write your own r-e-s-p-e-c-t song!
• Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i convened a support group of adults in our community to ‘step into the corner’ for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Email questions or concerns facing youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org.
