What makes a good friend? Is it someone who calls you every day? Is it someone who will go shopping with you even when she doesn’t really want to? Is it someone who pushes you to do “exciting” things, like
What makes a good friend? Is it someone who calls you every day? Is it someone who will go shopping with you even when she doesn’t really want to? Is it someone who pushes you to do “exciting” things, like skipping school to go surfing?
Friend is defined as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard, a person who gives assistance, and a person who is on good terms with another.
Friendship is an extremely important aspect of teens’ lives. In fact, developing and maintaining friendships are part of their social and emotional development. It is the first setting in which teens can practice their social skills and learn how to begin, maintain and terminate relationships.
The National Runaway Switchboard summarizes the qualities of a good friend.
• Chemistry: You like spending time together. You can laugh, cry, play, study, talk about anything. Just being together is fun.
• Acceptance: Your friend knows you and accepts you for who you are.
• Champion: Your friend is your champion, your biggest supporter. Your friend builds you up, never tears you down. Even bad news is delivered in a gentle, more caring way from a good friend.
• Trust: You know it’s OK to open up and share problems, fears and deepest secrets without fear of being hurt or betrayed.
• Loyalty: When everyone else talks you down, a good friend will talk you up.
YouthRadio.org defines a good friend as someone who tries to keep you out of trouble, not get you into it. A good friend gives you great information when you need it the most. A real friend likes you for who you are and not what you have.
For one teen girl, a good friend is “someone who tells you if something’s stuck in your teeth, someone who does something with you even if they don’t want to, someone who is there for you, hangs out with you just to talk, and at other times, gives you some of the best, funniest times of your life. Basically, not intimately, someone you can fall in love with a little bit.”
Your friend spent all weekend partying and didn’t study for the big history test. What do you do? Let them copy off of you? Encourage your friend to skip the class and forge a note from their parents later? Tell your friend that they should find a balance between socializing and partying; then help them cram as best as you can?
In order to have good friends, you must be a good friend. Here are some ways good friends treat each other. They listen to each other, don’t put each other down, try to understand each other’s feelings and moods, help each other solve problems, give each other compliments, can disagree without hurting each other, are dependable, respect each other, are trustworthy, give each other room to change, and care about each other.
Even though peer influence is a significant factor in a teen’s life, it does not replace parental influence. Parents are still the most important figures for young people. Teens are more likely to be influenced by parental ideals about values, education and long-term plans, and this influence is greatest when the bond between parent and child is strong.
Here are some tips for parents to help guide their child in forming good friendships.
• Recognize that peer pressure can be bad or good.
• Get to know your child’s friends.
• Get to know the parents of your child’s friends.
• Provide your child with some unstructured time in a safe place to hang around with friends.
• Talk with your child about friends, about friendship and about making choices.
• Teach your child how to get out of a bad situation.
• Monitor friendships to help your child avoid risky and unhealthy behavior.
• Model good friendships.
• Many adults who have worked with young teens suggest that you let your child know you disapprove of a friendship and why.
In sum, friendships are valuable resources for a young person’s development. There are good and beneficial friendships out there, and who the friends are and where these friendships play out are what make the difference.
• Tram Vuong Meadows is the Therapeutic Foster Home Program Therapist for Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i. She can be reached at tmeadows@haleopio.org, or Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i Inc., 2959 Umi St., Lihu’e, HI 96766
