“The Corner” thanks Ms. Linda Pizzitola, Clinical Group Facilitator for the YWCA’s Alternatives to Violence Program for much of the information in this article. She works with both the men’s and the women’s groups in helping them find a better
“The Corner” thanks Ms. Linda Pizzitola, Clinical Group Facilitator for the YWCA’s Alternatives to Violence Program for much of the information in this article. She works with both the men’s and the women’s groups in helping them find a better way to get their needs met than hurting their spouses or children.
She believes that it is a generational issue.
The former generation of parents abused each other and the current generation of abusive parents, who also abuse each other.
When will it stop? When enough people begin to understand the effects that violence has on a developing children, and that those effects ultimately affect everyone, and we stop looking the other way when we know it is happening.
According to “Kid Facts/Safety Plan,” from the YWCA Alternatives to Violence program, when children are exposed to Domestic Violence they feel:
• Powerless — because they can’t stop the violence,
• Confused — because the violence doesn’t make sense,
• Angry — because it shouldn’t be happening,
• Guilty — because they think they have done something wrong to cause it,
• Sad — because the violence is a loss of their peace and safety,
• Afraid — because they may be hurt, they may lose someone they love, or others may find out,
• Alone — because they think that it only happens to them.
Sadly, more serious effects occur. “Kid Facts” goes on to state that being abused or even observing abuse negatively “affects brain development.”
“In infancy, the trauma from domestic violence affects brain development. The brain stem develops in infancy. The mid-brain, where motor and emotional control are centered, develops in infancy and childhood. The higher brain, where reasoning and problem solving occur develops in older childhood, early adolescence and even into the 20s. When children are abused, or even when they simply witness violence between their parents, their brain development can get stunted; they never reach the development of formal operations which is the capacity to think things through. This stunting begins in infancy where the brain development adapts to the need to cope with violence. The motor cortex will grow larger and become overdeveloped; children become hypervigilant with less capacity to control their emotions.”
The results of this are that children can have “sleep problems, mysterious aches and pains, strong irrational fears, behavior problems such as bedwetting or eating problems, and emotional problems that can range from aggressive acting out to isolation and withdrawal from others.”
In school, abused children suffer from many of the difficulties that children with ADHD suffer from. These may include attention problems, poor listening skills, diminished self-control, poor organizational skills, trouble with delayed gratification and hyperactivity.
By adolescence, abused children are five times more likely than their peers to become involved with delinquency issues. The nature of their juvenile crimes were also much more violent. Also of interest is that adolescents who have been exposed to family violence tend to act aggressively toward their peers when their peers are experiencing distress. They often bully.
So children who live with domestic violence have brains negatively changed or affected, which creates many problems. Then, the model of how to relate to others that their parents are showing them is that the way to get your needs met is through the misuse of power and aggression.
So that is what happens to children where domestic violence occurs. But society as a whole won’t get involved in changing it unless it sees this as a problem that impacts them. Before I list the ways that abused children cost us, I want it known that I have personally known and worked with absolutely wonderful people who were abused, but able to turn their lives around, and that is the point of this article. However, consider this:
• Schools mainstream most special needs students into the general classrooms. The more special needs students in these classes, the greater the burden on a general education teacher, even though they are given help.
• General education students are more at risk for bullying or physical abuse in the presence of students who believe that this is the way to get their needs met.
• Because abused children may take advantage of someone who is down, any child becomes at risk at some point.
• The greater community has to pay more for court and police services.
• Abused children often must be removed from the home and placed in foster care that is paid for by state government and sometimes federal funds.
• Abused adolescents have poor self-esteem, and are more likely to try and use drugs to try to make themselves feel better. Girls allow themselves to be bullied into having sex when they don’t want to.
• Sometimes if the brain dysfunction is severe, abused children may not be able to get good jobs, or any jobs, and may become dependent upon welfare.
• Sometimes abused children’s behavior may be so violent that they need to go to detention homes, which costs the greater community. Later on as adults they go to jail.
To sum it up, the more violence there is in the home, the more violence we all become exposed to in our world. To handle that violence government funds must be used up in tending to those needs rather than in creating parks, repairing aging properties, providing more transportation services and possible free classes for the greater population.
If Ms. Pizzitola is correct, that it is generational, then I appeal to the teens, the youth of Kaua‘i, who are usually more idealistic. I encourage them to learn these facts and teach them to their friends and families.
Sadly, children from abusive homes are terrified to get help, as they’ve been told they’ll be hurt if they do. But if you have friends, or little brothers and sisters who are getting damaged by domestic violence, then find other kids who want to make a difference. Create a team of helpers who want to stop the violence in the homes around you.
Some school guidance counselors have divorce support groups. Perhaps they could start “domestically abused children” support groups. Your guidance counselor can tell you how and where to get help. You can also contact Nana’s Place on the Westside at 338-0052, and Hale Ho’omalu at 821-2520 on the Eastside.
It is against the law to smack people around. This is not normal. Most parents protect their children from pain and harm, not cause it. They may have been damaged by their parents and don’t know how to show love, respect or appreciation. You deserve better. You are lovable. You deserve respect. You are not the cause of the problem. But you can be the cause of the solution. Get help. Then perhaps you can help your parents.
The YWCA has emergency shelters for families who are abused. Their hotline number is 245-6362 or 245-8404.
The Alternatives to Violence number at YWCA is 245-5959. The Hawai‘i State Department of Health has a youth crisis hotline. The number is 1-800-753-6879.
• Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i convened a support group of adults in our community to ‘step into the corner’ for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Email questions or concerns facing youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org.
