LIHU‘E — Rose Hayes begins a typical morning as a death doula by helping one client color-code their closet, coaching another through physical therapy, then sitting forehead to forehead with another, talking and singing duets.
“We’ve really stigmatized death in our culture,” she said.
“The reality is, we’re all going to die. It’s an inevitability. Once you’re realized the fact that you’re going to die, you can really live a more profound and fulfilling life.”
The Ha‘ena resident is currently working with nine clients, who she serves on a pay-what-you-can basis. She hopes that her work can make people more comfortable with the concept of death.
The main purpose of her job is to help people come to terms with death and dying.
“Death doulas bear witness to the truth of dying and death,” said the Rev. Bodhi Be, the executive director of Doorway Into Light, a nonprofit that provides training to death doulas.
He describes a spectrum of activities that death doulas can perform, from helping healthy people improve their relationship with death to providing in-home services to a dying person to offering counsel and support to a family dealing with loss.
Hayes began her work in this field by volunteering with hospice, and found that it came naturally to her.
“I felt called to the work,” she said. “It’s not a good house party if I’m not out on a lanai with somebody crying in my arms. I really enjoy deep conversations and authentic connection.”
A key aspect of the job, according to Kapa‘a death doula, Barbara Essman, is listening.
Essman — who teaches a course for death doulas in Kapa‘a — uses her experience as an early-childhood educator to help impart that lesson to her students.
She shows students at her death doula classes a children’s book, “The Rabbit Who Listened,” by Cori Doerrfeld, which teaches a lesson about the value of listening to people going through hard times.
“I tell them to remember the rabbit,” said Essman.
“We want to step in and fix what’s broken. Sometimes it’s best just to keep your mouth shut and listen.”
Essman began her work as a birthing doula (something of a midwife) and shifted to being a death doula several years ago.
“I began to see that there were a lot of connections between birth and death,” she said. “I keep seeing parallels.”
She starts her course by having her class draw pictures of their birth. This, she said, helps them begin the journey of self-discovery that is important to becoming a good death doula.
“You have to understand yourself first,” she said. “You have to understand your beliefs, your fears, your ideas, your stories, your trauma, before you take all of that into somebody else’s birth or death.”
The course goes on to cover a wide range of topics, discussing ideas about life after death, the soul, and coping with suicide. Essman has two new classes beginning in March.
Hanama‘ulu resident Judie Hoeppner, a newcomer to the profession, hopes to begin work as a death doula so she can be of service.
“I have a little saying by my desk that says ‘If you help yourself, you help others,’” she said. “Where I can help I want to, and it gives my life meaning.”
Hoeppner, who has lived on Kaua‘i since 1984 and retired in 2009, only recently completed her training, and is yet to have served any families.
She had her own experience with loss when her husband passed away in 2020. They were “soulmates” who traveled the world together, Hoeppner said.
The loss helped her realize the importance of open conversation about grief.
“It would be really hard for me if I couldn’t talk about him,” she said. “When I’m helping other people I’m going to encourage them to share whatever they need to share.”
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Guthrie Scrimgeour, reporter, can be reached at 647-0329 or gscrimgeour@thegardenisland.com.
