“I’m sorry” are magic words that can instantly take the sting out of a negative situation. The puzzling thing is that people don’t want to do it. Why not? Do you know one person who hasn’t made a mistake, or
“I’m sorry” are magic words that can instantly take the sting out of a negative situation. The puzzling thing is that people don’t want to do it.
Why not? Do you know one person who hasn’t made a mistake, or said something that they wish they hadn’t?
“The Corner” has addressed how important it is to know when you are losing that loving feeling, and are about to snap and to do something about it before it controls you! It’s so much easier to say “I’m sorry.”
I honestly believe that you mean it, too, at least somewhere in your heart and best mind. No one wants to get into a fight, verbal or otherwise, with someone they care about.
It’s hard to apologize because we like to think that we are right, and don’t like to be wrong. No one likes to be wrong. But, have you noticed that the older, wiser people among us are some of the first to apologize, or to cave in so that an argument doesn’t get too hot to handle. Maybe they’re asking themselves if they want to be right or happy.
Psychiatrist Dr. Gerald Jampolsky, the author of “Attitudinal Healing”, and many other books, suggests that we ask ourselves that question when we start getting into a very difficult conversation that gets people attacking and defending their positions.
If you care about this person, is it worth it to you to be right for a few minutes and put a big dent into your friendship? I’ve noticed that if I’m really right, the other person will find that out in time.
Here’s a good neutral phrase you can use when you choose happiness over rightness, “I’m going to think about what you said. Thanks for the idea.” It doesn’t say who’s right or wrong. You look intelligent because you already know what you know and now you are thinking about what someone else seems to know. So you’re getting smarter.
I think that we have to accept that being wrong is OK sometimes. Scientists have failed hypotheses (outcomes they think will happen) built into their scientific method. Harold Evans wrote a book called “They Made America: From the Steam Engine to the Search Engine, Two Centuries of Innovation” (Little, Brown) In it he states that “Thomas Edison worked out no fewer than 3,000 theories about electric light. … But in only 2 cases did it work.” That’s 2,998 mistakes! But aren’t we glad that he stayed with it?
So what if you’re wrong. What does that mean? It doesn’t mean that you’re not smart. It means you either had wrong information about something or misinterpreted it wrongly. If you learn something from your mistake, you’re just better for having made it.
At a lecture I went to one night, a lovely elderly gentleman said, “Now I’m going to ask this question. You may think me dumb for a few minutes, but I’d rather you think me dumb for a few minutes than to be ignorant the rest of my life.”
Well that was a learning experience for me. I was never afraid to ask questions again, and when I was a teacher I never shamed a student for not knowing an answer.
After all, if kids are afraid they’ll be shamed, they won’t ask questions, and then they will be less knowledgeable than if they asked the question. If they knew the answers, they wouldn’t need to go to school. But kids, in fairness to yourself and your teachers, you’ve got to keep up with the work assigned you.
When I Googled “How to Apologize”, I came up with 129,000,000 hits. That tells me that it is a topic of great importance and interest to people. I’ve included an animated You Tube video called “How to Apologize” at www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3H_GgtE3Tc.
One of the interesting facts it shared is that people who tend to apologize do better financially than those who don’t. Here are the basic four steps to making a successful apology.
1. Assess the situation. What happened? Be as clear as possible.
2. Make a game plan of what you want to say and practice it. Make sure you:
3. Acknowledge what you did wrong, and take responsibility for it.
4. Make Amends. How can you make it right? What does the other person need from you?
The video stated that actually apologizing feels better than resisting it. Be the scientist yourself here. See what happens the next time you think you need to say you’re sorry, and do it. It’s OK to make mistakes, and it’s even better to fix them. The ability to apologize is a mile maker for being mature and caring. Try it. You might really like it.
• Hale `Opio Kauai convened a support group of adults in our Kauai community to “step into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Please email your questions or concerns facing our youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org
