‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’ should be left on the moon!

I took this job reviewing movies with one request to my editor: that I wouldn’t have to trash movies, because I know how hard it is to make a movie.

The smallest-budgeted movies with 3 actors and one camera is HARD work. Who am I to knock an esteemed director like Michael Bay (“Pearl Harbor”)? However, this movie was bad enough for me to break my rule.

For those of you who have to see it because you promised your kid or because you liked his other work, I wish I could share good things. As a whole, this is one of the worst movies ever made. I don’t know how it got the talent of Oscar nominee John Malkovich (“In the Line of Fire”), John Torturro (“Do the Right Thing”) and Patrick Dempsey (“Outbreak”).

None of the actors need the money, the exposure or any of the other reasons that draw Hollywood talent to a project. OK, Dempsey is the father of twin boys and maybe they like Transformer toys. We will let Mr. Dempsey off the hook for that. “Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon” makes the term “that film was a dud” a compliment.

I’m amazed this film was even shot, edited or allowed into theaters.

I do want to credit the thousands of minds it takes to create such effects. I believe special effects are made to enhance the movie — not be the movie’s crutch for a far-fetched story line, horrifically long, nearly three-hour, pointless movie, with clichéd car chase scenes that were done better without a single computer in “The Bourne Identity.” Michael Bay, who managed to do a really cool chase scene in his comedic-duo cop film series “Bad Boys,” simply surpassed his own reputation for self-indulgence with this film.

Bay is known for over-stylized, flashy and pointless filmmaking. With all due respect, I highly admire “Pearl Harbor” for its story and honoring what happened — even though the film was 35 minutes too long.

I don’t even want to get into Shia LaBeouf. I don’t see what all the hype is about with this guy. He was great in “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps,” but he was on screen with the iconic Oscar-winner Michael Douglas (“Wall Street”) and had the same Oscar-winning talent directing him: Oliver Stone (“Platoon”). I’m clueless how he landed the “Transformers” series and was handed the gift of future “Indiana Jones” movies. He will never hold a candle to Harrison Ford.

What makes this film so sad: He is the center of the film and he is the worst part. I would have walked out, but I owed the paper and the readers of a Kaua‘i a review.

Even though this piece of garbage will take up two-screens at Kukui Grove, please find something else to see and support Kukui Grove Cinemas.

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