Thursday, Nov. 30, 2023 |
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Johnny Robish – Special to The Garden Island
Death by Chocolate
Authorities say a man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate in a New Jersey processing plant. In an act of pure selflessness, forty women volunteered to jump in to retrieve the body. According to the coroner’s report, the victim was hard and crunchy on the outside, while soft and creamy on the inside. The man will be buried in an ornamental Easter basket/casket with the body placed on a bed of neon-green plastic shredded grass.
Amy Winehouse on Trial
Recently on trial for attacking a fan, Amy Winehouse was acquitted after telling a London court that she was too short to have punched a fan in the face, pointing out that her trademark beehive hairdo “makes her look much taller than she really is.” Court observers noted that while on the witness stand, Winehouse wore a very conservative outfit, which made her appear much more sane than she really is.
An Australian aboriginal man, who some claim had been sniffing gasoline, burst into flames after being tasered by police. Police warn that sniffing gasoline is a very stupid thing for someone to do. Especially with gas prices being so high.
New statistics show that more and more couples are postponing getting a divorce because of the recession. I believe it. I have a friend who says that every time he has a fight with his wife, he checks to see how the Dow is doing.
Met a girl online who wanted to have phone sex, but I found myself at a loss for words.
I have a neighbor who claims that a neighborhood dog is tearing up her yard which the dog’s owner denies, so to prove it, she hired a private detective to put a tail on him.
Porn Stars’ Complaint
Porn stars are complaining that the Internet’s demand for videos which can be downloaded very quickly means that the movies they make have hardly any plot or dialogue anymore. Many say that without the plot or dialogue, they are beginning to feel like nothing more than sex objects.
• Johnny Robish is a humor writer and former stand-up comic who lives on Kaua‘i. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org
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