Most people are familiar with the term, “anger management.” But when you ask them what it is, the majority replies “A class about anger.” Yes, there are anger management classes, but managing anger is the goal. It’s one of those
Most people are familiar with the term, “anger management.” But when you ask them what it is, the majority replies “A class about anger.” Yes, there are anger management classes, but managing anger is the goal. It’s one of those “tasks of adolescence” that we all need to learn on our road to maturity. In certain cases of harassment or assault, the courts may assign the defendant to take the classes in the hopes of learning how to manage his/her anger.
Anger is actually a warning sign. In Teen Court Anger Management classes, students are not taught that anger is bad. They are taught that it is like a red light on the dashboard of your car that lights up to tell you that something isn’t right. People get angry for many different reasons, and not all people get angry about the same thing. One person may feel angry when another person calls him a name, but someone else wouldn’t get upset about it. That person might get angry if he/she doesn’t get the attention that he/she feels entitled to. Anger usually indicates that a person’s needs are not getting met. It may also indicate that a person feels that things are out of control, so he/she uses anger to manipulate others to get his/her needs met.
There are many reasons why this is not a good choice of what to do. Rarely does a burst of anger get the actual needs that a person wants met.
In Teen Court, respondents who commit assault, harassment, terroristic threatening, or other cases using violence, are required to take either Anger Management or Victim Impact classes.
Ninety-five percent of them tell me that their offense did not get them what they wanted. Most of the time assault occurs because the youth doesn’t feel respected. When I ask them if they got the respect they wanted, about 97 percent tell me “No,” and that they were sad that they brought shame on their family’s name. They were sorry that they hadn’t thought it through. Their friends’ parents won’t let them be together anymore. When there is a new problem, people think that they might have done it. They wish they could take it back.
The first thing we talk about is how each person’s body lets them know they are angry. Some of the ways the students have described:
• Changes in breathing, usually faster, and shallower.
• Increase in heart beat.
• Pounding in head.
• Making fists, and tightening up the body.
• Frowning, and tensing up the face.
They then have to figure out how to calm themselves down. If a person gets angry, and keeps getting angry, they lose their ability to make good decisions.
Good decisions come from the frontal lobes of the brain. If one gets very angry, one starts reacting from the amagdala. If you’ve heard someone say, “I lost it” or “I snapped,” that’s from where they are most likely functioning. These people just aren’t safe to be around. To help students remember, we say, “The madder you are the dumber you get.”
Cool down techniques our respondents have tried and discovered worked for them are:
• Deep, relaxed breathing.
• Listening to music.
• Talking things out with a friend or trusted adult.
• Taking a walk.
• Counting to 10.
It’s also a good time to exercise or do chores, because their bodies have geared up to do more vigorous physical activity.
Once a person is functioning in his/her calmed mind the task is to address the real cause of the anger, and figure out what they need to do to take care of themselves. No one else can do that. It’s a personal process. We can’t expect our friends to be mind readers. No one can complain about another person not meeting needs when they haven’t been told what they are. There are physical needs, emotional needs, social needs, spiritual needs, and mental needs.
In Teen Court Anger Management classes students look at the incident that brought them to court, and have to figure out what need wasn’t getting met. Then they plan a way for it to get met.
Here’s an example: A girl swears at, and calls out another girl to fight, because that girl has been harassing her for three years. Calling a person out to fight, or threatening to fight is harassment, a petty misdemeanor, so she gets busted. In class she discovers that her need for respect, and feeling emotionally safe weren’t being met. Her plan becomes to meet with that girl in a safe environment, perhaps with a neutral mediator, or counselor, to see if there is some misunderstanding going on, and to come up with solutions that work for both of them. Did something happen three years ago that set off her friend?
A best case scenario is that they can agree to speak respectfully to each other. A safe solution would be for them to avoid each other for a certain period of time, and then see if they want to associate with each other.
Worst case scenario is that if the girl continues to harass, the respondent will press charges of harassment.
Several Teen Court respondents have told me that they don’t think that this would work too well. Several have tried it, and are feeling much more peaceful in their lives. The following research might help explain why some kids would use it and others feel uncomfortable using it. I quote from “Storytelling and Violence Prevention” by Linda Fredericks in her book, Using Stories to Prevent Violence & Promote Cooperation. (Life Trax, Aurora, Colo. 2005)
“Several recent studies have shown that children who lack imagination are far more prone to violence. Such children cannot imagine alternatives to their immediate perceptions of anger or hostility; they are able to react only to what they believe is the situation in front of them.
On the other hand, children who possess imagination have a very different experience. They can be exposed to the same hostile situation, but rather than causing the situation to escalate into greater hostility they have the ability to imagine, and therefore act upon, different solutions.”
One of the great ways to foster imagination in youth, is to read stories to them. Unlike watching a movie, they have to imagine what the characters, scene and action look like. They have to imagine the sounds, and behaviors. Young children do this naturally when they “pretend.”
Let’s keep it going. Schools now are more focused on teaching facts which can be measured, such as math and reading so it falls more on family, friends and mentors to keep up the level of imagination. Measurable facts are left-sided brain activity.
Imagination, music, artistic expression and dreaming are right brain activity. We all need to be whole brained to be complete. So happy dreams, and good choices to us all.
Several adults have “stepped into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support in the boxing ring of life. They are Catherine Stovall, community response specialist, county of Kaua’i; Edmund Acoba, public defender; Craig DeCosta, county prosecuting attorney; Officer Paul Applegate, Kaua’i Police Department; Daniel Hamada, superintendent of schools; Jill Yoshimatsu, director of the DOE Mokihana program; and Annaleah Atkinson, Teen Court Manager for Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i.
If you have something to share with Kaua‘i teens, or need to ask a question, contact Annaleah with the information below and she will field it to the person who can best help with the answer.
• Annaleah Atkinson is the Teen Court manager for Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i. She can be reached at aatkinson@haleopio.org, or Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i Inc., 2959 Umi St., Lihu‘e, HI 96766.
