In a recent Teen Court victim impact class on building empathy, we were studying the relationship between feelings and needs. Generally, when people are happy, their needs are being met. When they are unhappy, the needs aren’t being met. Happy
In a recent Teen Court victim impact class on building empathy, we were studying the relationship between feelings and needs. Generally, when people are happy, their needs are being met.
When they are unhappy, the needs aren’t being met. Happy people aren’t the ones hurting others because they’re too busy being happy.
One of the tasks of adolescence is developing mastery over one’s emotions. That doesn’t mean to ignore them. It means to recognize that they are a signal that either your needs are getting met, or they aren’t. Ultimately each person is responsible to see that those needs get met in respectful ways, so that other people’s needs are honored as well. It’s a big task to learn.
One of our basic needs is to be touched. No one thinks anything of cuddling babies and toddlers, we all know that they thrive on touch. Studies have proven that babies who are held and loved far surpass babies who are just fed and cleaned.
When children hit about age 10 or 12, most become conscious that touching another child seems to have far reaching implications. For a boy to touch a girl means he must like her, and to touch another boy means he likes boys. So what happens is that a lot of physical pushing, little slaps and rougher touch happen among boys who are friends. The kids seem to know when it is a good slap or mean slap. However, sometimes it gets out of control. A case recently came to Teen Court for Assault 3, which means that the respondent caused pain to the victim. These two boys were friends, and in the habit of kicking each other. However, in the fracas one good kick felt like a mean kick, and a fight ensued. I know of another case where one brother sent another to the emergency room.
Girls have it a little better. It is more acceptable for girls to walk arm-in-arm, than it is for boys. However, cases have come to Teen Court where girls have fought other girls who claimed the touching went beyond friendship.
The challenge for you teens, and those of us who care for them is to find a way to get the needs for touch met, while remaining socially acceptable. Obviously loving hugs from the family are a start. One of the disciplines taught in the Parent Project, which is sometimes required in Family Court for parents of offending teens, is to tell their child every day that they love them. That’s a good time for a hug.
When my son turned 12 we had our first real run-in. I told him that my heart would always be able to love and forgive him, even if my mind was very unhappy with the choice that he made, and I had to give him consequences. It worked for us, even though we had many other conflicts. He somehow understood the difference, and that I could love him, while not accepting what he did.
Who decides what is acceptable and what isn’t? A visionary may have a picture or an idea of something, but if the group doesn’t accept it, they won’t support it, and the fad won’t continue. We’re lucky we live in Hawai‘i, where it is more acceptable to show affection. People come here hungry for aloha.
The need to be accepted and loved is another basic need. We must never underestimate the healing power of our love. It is the one commodity that makes us all equally rich. Millionaires can’t buy it, and we can get it by giving it.
The energy of our love, and our love expressed may be the only thing that we get to take with us into the afterlife. I’ll close with a quotation from Dr. Deepak Chopra’s book, “Quantum Healing”:
“An Ohio University study of heart disease in the 1970’s was conducted by feeding quite toxic, high-cholesterol diets to rabbits in order to block their arteries, duplicating the effect that such a diet has on human arteries. Consistent results began to appear in all the rabbit groups except for one, which strangely displayed 60 percent fewer symptoms. Nothing in the rabbits’ physiology could account for their high tolerance to the diet, until it was discovered by accident that the student who was in charge of feeding these particular rabbits liked to fondle and pet them. He would hold each rabbit lovingly for a few minutes before feeding it; astonishingly, this alone seemed to enable the animals to overcome the toxic diet. Repeat experiments, in which one group of rabbits was treated neutrally while the others were loved, came up with similar results.”
Several adults have “stepped into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support in the boxing ring of life. They are: Catherine Stovall, community response specialist, county of Kaua’i; Edmund Acoba, public defender; Craig DeCosta, county prosecuting attorney; officer Paul Applegate, Kaua’i Police Department; Daniel Hamada, superintendent of schools; Jill Yoshimatsu, director of the DOE Mokihana program; and Annaleah Atkinson, Teen Court manager for Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i.
If you have something to share with Kaua’i Teens, or need to ask a question, use the contact information below. I will field it to the person who can best help with the answer.
• Annaleah Atkinson is the Teen Court manager for Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i. She can be reached at aatkinson@haleopio.org, or Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i Inc., 2959 Umi St., Lihu‘e, 96766.
