Do you want to do something cruel to someone who has been making your life miserable? Do you really want to watch them squeal in front of a firing range?
Well, I have a perfect prank for you. It’s simple, and it takes just three steps.
1. The night before you plan to execute your little prank (preferably Saturday evening), slip a few sleeping pills in your nemesis’ midnight snack so he won’t wake up when the sun rises the next day.
2. Early in the morning, abduct your enemy, tie his hands and feet together, throw him in the back seat of the car and drive him out to Wailua Golf Course.
3. Just before the earliest tee time, stick your nemesis out in the center of the driving range, and tie a sign around his neck that clearly reads, “Golf is a game, not a sport.” Wait to see what happens.I bet your nemesis will think twice before messing with you again.
I’ve made the mistake of telling a links nut that golf is just a game, not a sport.
“Like chess, boccie ball, or backgammon, golf is just a game,” I told him, just before his face turned fiery red. “That’s not to say it isn’t difficult, or that it doesn’t involve skill, but it isn’t a sport, that’s for sure.”
He glared at me with a piercing stare as if I just yelled “Go Red Sox” at Yankee Stadium, or walked down Lombard St. with Dallas’ silver star on my tee-shirt.
“Not a sport!” he yelled, obviously irritated. “Can YOU do what Tiger Woods does, or what Phil Mickleson, Ernie Els or Jack Nicklaus can do?” he charged.
“Well, no, of course not,” I said, pushing my 35 handicap to the back of my mind. “But I can’t do what chess legend Bobby Fisher does either. So I’m not saying it’s easy, or that it doesn’t involve skill.”
“So what’s your definition of a sport, then?” he challenged. “Would you consider tennis a sport, or a game?”
“Athleticism,” I said boldly. After all, John Elway and Peyton Manning told me golf does not involve athleticism while they were hacking away at the seventh hole at Kaua’i Lagoons.
“And so tennis is a sport, since it still involves quickness, hand-eye coordination and strength, all components of athleticism,” I added.
There isn’t a senior NBA, or a senior NFL, or a senior MLB. But there’s the senior PGA, senior Gateball and senior Curling leagues, right? Jack Nicklaus is still playing, along with Tom Watson and Tom Kite, and they’ve been playing professional golf for years. But Charles Barkley, Bill Russell, and Kevin Johnson are stuck in a broadcast booth watching the young legs of today win basketball championships.
“What about Tiger Woods, Charles Howell and Matt Kuchar?” my adversary inquired. “What about Phil Mickleson? They’re on top of the PGA, right now, and they’re all in their early 20’s to early 30’s. They’re better than Nicklaus and Watson, who are past their prime, because they are young and more athletic, wouldn’t you say?”
He had a good point. I doubt Nicklaus could drive 300-yards like Tiger or John Daly, the longest hitters on the tour. And just after David Toms fell victim to Woods at the PGA Grand Slam, he said to me, “I played Po’ipu great, it’s just Tiger is too strong. I will never have his kind of distance on my drive.”
So is the question, has golf become a sport? Sure, there’s no tackling, or jumping or hitting or pitching, but in a game where 20-year-olds have only recently become the ultimate stars, has golf turned from a game of skill, strategy and touch to a sport where athleticism separates the great from the good?
I think so. And one of the best aspects of golf – in contrast to other athletic sports – is that you can’t play basketball at a professional level past 40, but you can excel at golf until you’re 70.
So I must hand it to my debate opponent, he won this argument. But since I don’t like to lose I thought I’d push it a bit more.
“So what about NASCAR? Is that a sport?”
