October is Conflict Resolution Month, Part 2

Editor’s note: This is the second of two parts.

“1. Out of clutter find simplicity.

2. From discord, find harmony.

3. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

— Albert Einstein

Often when people are in conflict, their minds are cluttered with different thoughts, memories, projections and emotions. It is essential that each person at the table be clear about what they want, and be able to express it. After all, if you need or want something, you are your spokesperson at the table.

Some mediators ask people to write them down and bring them when their meeting is scheduled. When I present what mediation is to the Kids’ First divorcing parents, I mention that when they are working out visitation they should bring their work schedules, the kids’ school schedules, and any particular days they want to have the children.

They can understand and accept that the kids go with Mom on Mother’s Day, and Dad on Father’s day. But what about birthdays? Holidays? Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Or “You get them Thanksgiving and I’ll get them Christmas this year, then we’ll switch.” Prepare and be clear.

Listen with your mind and your heart. And if you don’t understand the motivation for something, ask. “Why do you as Dad want the kids for Mother’s Day?” “Because I just found out my mother has cancer.” We just can’t assume that we know what’s going on in another person’s head. Some people think that the other party is trying to be mean or spiteful. Ask why a person wants something, or won’t give something.

I remember a father who wanted the children for the weekends, and was strongly adamant about it. When we met in a separate session, it turned out that the mother was fine with the children during the weekdays when she worked, but had a problem drinking on the weekend.

He was actually in his mind helping the family with his demand. He let her have the children on weekends when she had relatives visiting. The wife thought he was just being selfish.

When conflicts occur they can be pretty discordant. The patterns of the “usual” often change. In the past we’ve had conflicts in school settings. One student hears that another wants to fight him. What used to be a relaxed walking down the halls now has an edge to it. What’s going to happen to me now?

I ran Teen Court several years ago, and had more than one case where a student went to another student and told him that his friend wanted to fight him after school at _______ location. The friend was crushed. And the instigator told the boy’s friend the same thing.

Then they both felt that they couldn’t back down, or they’d lose face. They both were detained for assault. In our anger management class I used their case, with their permission, for a demonstration, and the truth came out.

Fast forward to another possible ending: The boys ask for a peer mediation, and the truth is found out. The harmony of the friendship returns, and both boys can let the instigator know that they are on to him, and won’t fall for it again. Harmony restored.

A difficult situation, such as an unresolved conflict demands change. From change wonderful opportunities can happen. “What’s the best outcome we can envision for ourselves? How can we make this a win-win? That should be the hope and goal of every mediation. And even if it there isn’t complete agreement on different subjects, a caring partial agreement can go a long way.

Conflict resolution is a tool. And just as you can use a hammer to bang out art, build a home or tear something down, the skill of conflict resolution can be modified to suit the needs of both parties. So here is the basic recipe:

Mediation is an informal confidential process of dispute resolution led by a neutral mediator. The goal is not to prove who is right or wrong, but to come to conflict resolving agreements generated by the parties through a process of sharing, clarifying needs and creating solutions whereby both parties’ needs are met as much as possible, (win-win).

Mediators do not make the solutions. They take no sides, but help the parties craft an agreement that seeks to help both sides fairly. These are the general parts and steps:

I. Introductions, explanation of the mediator’s role and process and confidentiality agreement.

II. Ground rules are committed to:

1. Treat each other respectfully. 2. No insults, name calling, or interrupting. 3. One person speaks at a time. 4. Be honest, and try to find a solution.

III. Each party is then asked to tell about the situation from his/her perspective. At any point in the mediation parties may have separate sessions with the mediators if they think it would help.

1. Information is clarified so that all understand it. 2. Each disputant tells the needs that they have, and they are clarified. 3. The mediator helps each side understand the other’s side through asking questions.

IV. Parties are asked to come up with solutions, and options keeping in mind the needs that have been shared. The mediator helps the disputants collaborate on helpful, specific solutions.

V. Solutions that are agreed upon are recorded and signed. The parties and mediator gets a copy.

VI. Parties are acknowledged for their hard work, and willingness to come to agreements. The mediator closes on a positive note, inviting parties to come back for more clarification if needed.

Kindness helps in mediations. Sometimes it’s hard for a person to figure out what their needs really are, and/or to ask for their needs to be met. It may help to know that humans are wired for kindness, and when we do acts of kindness oxytocin is produced in the body which leads to feeling good.

It is also good for the heart and helps fight free radicals in the body. It’s also contagious! And if you’re helping someone, and you don’t know what to say, just wait, and maybe silently pray. If we remember to keep our compassionate presence for all involved, only good can come from that. Happy Conflict Resolving Life!

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Annaleah Atkinson is a teacher, writer, a minister, mediator, and a resident of Kauai.