There is tremendous pressure on our youth on Kaua’i to fight, if they are challenged. If they don’t fight they believe they would lose respect in other people’s eyes. In Anger Management and Victim Impact classes they learn that people’s
There is tremendous pressure on our youth on Kaua’i to fight, if they are challenged. If they don’t fight they believe they would lose respect in other people’s eyes. In Anger Management and Victim Impact classes they learn that people’s behavior is motivated by their needs. The students are often uncomfortable discussing their needs, although they have all agreed that they didn’t get what they wanted by fighting.
Recently I was sent this true story of a young man who found a way not to lose face, and also not to fight. It was written by Curt Holsopple, who is a member of Warwick River Mennonite Church in Newport News, Va. Whether you share his faith or not, the technique is a good one.
I’m sharing this story in its entirety, and I urge kids to try this if they are called out. To those who work with our youth, perhaps you’d consider sharing it with them.
Making peace at school
By Curt Holsopple
When I was in fifth grade, I somehow got sideways with Tom, a boy in my class. One day, another boy in class came to me during morning recess and announced: “Meet Tom by the bicycle rack after school. He’s going to fight you.” I said, “I don’t want to fight Tom.” But the other boy said, “Be there or else.”
By the time school ended at 3 p.m., I was terrified. But the limits of my faith as a 10-year-old boy got stretched that day. My young and simple prayer life grew. And a plan emerged. I knew that God would somehow lead me through this confrontation.
We met at the bicycle rack after school. Tom stepped out from his group and said, “Come on, Curt, put ‘em up!”
I jammed my hands into my pockets and said, “I don’t want to fight you, Tom.”
“What’s the matter? Are you chicken?”
I struggled to stay calm. His fists were up, but he was still several steps away from me. I made a show of pushing my hands even deeper into my pockets, calmed my voice and said, “I don’t want to fight you. I don’t even know what this is about.”
“Come ON, chicken!” Tom taunted. “Get your hands up!”
That’s when the Holy Spirit led my words, and I was surprised by what I said next: “It’s your fight, Tom. Go ahead if you have to.”
Tom’s fists sank and went slack for a moment, then he balled them up again and yelled at me. “Come ON, chicken. Fight!”
And my voice got milder and gentler. “I’m not fighting you, Tom. I don’t want to. But if you need to, go ahead. It’s your fight, not mine.” Tom looked genuinely puzzled.
By that time, Tom’s friends were laughing at him, telling him that he was being stupid. Tom started crying and fled, his so-called supporters jeering him.
A friend walked with me toward my house. The tension finally broken, I started sobbing. My friend didn’t make fun of me for crying. He sympathized.
And he made an interesting observation, saying, “That took a lot of courage to not fight, Tom.”
The next day, I said “Hi” to Tom and tried to be friendly. I never mentioned the fight to him, and I wouldn’t discuss it with anybody else. Tom and I were no longer enemies.
• Annaleah Atkinson is the Teen Court manager for Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i. She can be reached at aatkinson@haleopio.org, or Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i Inc., 2959 Umi St., Lihu‘e, HI 96766.
