Please don’t feed the bears: A 74-year-old Colorado woman who had been repeatedly warned about feeding bears and other wildlife, has been attacked and eaten by a bear. Now there’s someone who’s really dedicated to “feeding the bears.” Wi-Fi connection:
Please don’t feed the bears: A 74-year-old Colorado woman who had been repeatedly warned about feeding bears and other wildlife, has been attacked and eaten by a bear. Now there’s someone who’s really dedicated to “feeding the bears.”
Wi-Fi connection: A New York woman has become the first American recipient of a Wi-Fi pacemaker that allows her doctor to monitor her health over the Internet. A Starbucks spokesperson said that should she come into one of our coffee houses, she will be required to purchase at least one hot coffee drink per hour if she expects to stay alive.
Swine flu victim: Colombian President Alvaro Uribe has the swine flu and officials have advised other South American leaders who met with him at a summit of the infection, authorities said. An angry President Uribe held a press conference from his hospital bed to say “I’d like to catch the swine who gave me the flu.”
Antidepressant use: New statistics show that use of antidepressant drugs in the United States doubled between 1996 and 2005. They do have their side effects though. The doctor put a friend of mine on antidepressants, now he hates depressed people.
Artificial leg: A 48-year old female elephant who lost her leg to a land mine is now walking fine after receiving an artificial leg in Thailand. Paul McCartney said that while he thinks the artificial leg is wonderful news, he has no plans to marry the elephant at this time.
Helmet laws: An analysis of federal accident reports says that death rates from motorcycle crashes have risen steadily since states began weakening helmet laws about a decade ago. Oddly enough, the report also concluded that anyone who doesn’t think they need a helmet while riding a motorcycle probably doesn’t have much up there to protect anyway.
Shedding skin: Scientists say they have recently determined that the average person sheds about 1.5 million flakes of skin per hour, much of which becomes embedded in our carpets. In response, many dermatologists say they will soon be adding carpet care to their list of services offered.
Platinum shortages: A European auto parts maker warns that shortages of platinum could result in shortages of catalytic converters which use the precious metal. Rock stars also expressed concern that if a new source of platinum isn’t found soon, their million-selling albums may go “cast iron.”
•Johnny Robish is a humor writer and former stand-up comic who lives on Kaua‘i. E-mail him at johnny@johnnyrobish.com.
