Editor’s note: This is the first of two parts. The second installment will run in Wednesday’s paper. Don’t worry, be happy. If you are feeling a little unhappy about an unresolved conflict you have with someone, the chances are that
Editor’s note: This is the first of two parts. The second installment will run in Wednesday’s paper.
Don’t worry, be happy.
If you are feeling a little unhappy about an unresolved conflict you have with someone, the chances are that that person is feeling the same way. Feeling peaceful, happy and supported by friends and community are some of the basic needs we all have. When these needs aren’t met we feel a little off our best game.
We might even get grumpy or depressed…or worse. And don’t feel guilty. The kindest person is eventually going to have a conflict with someone, because we don’t all think the same way. But communicating well, to get our needs met, and listening respectfully to hear what another person’s needs are, are milestones of adolescence, and need to be learned.
I believe in you. I’ve been a mediator since 1998, because I have so enjoyed helping folks reach solutions that they thought were impossible. But I wonder if people are getting turned off to the heaviness in the names “conflict resolution” or “mediation,” which sound official and hard.
Perhaps this is a better idea for a name: “peaceful problem solving.” Today’s and tomorrow’s articles offer help by giving websites, techniques and info about mediation. You can Google mediation videos too.
There is a growing multitude of conflict resolvers globally that can help us stay peaceful.
Many of them are coming from schools. All over the world efforts are being made to teach school-age children to mediate rather than fight or bully each other. The United Nations has endorsed values-based learning for all nations, which includes conflict resolution training. If you go to small claims court on Kauai, you will be assigned a mediator to try and work it out first.
The Kauai Economic Opportunity Mediation Program teaches mediation to students in any schools that want it. Students at several schools have been trained, and more will be trained. Some churches are training pastors specifically in conflict resolution skills.
There is a national Association for Conflict Resolution, the motto of which is “Voices, Choices, Solutions,” at www.acrnet.org, and a Hawaii Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution, www.acrhawaii.org.
The Hawaii Chapter ACR’s mission is “To promote and support peaceful conflict resolution and collaborative decision making at all levels in our society, whether in our home, school, ohana, workplace or community.
“We are mediators, arbitrators, facilitators, educators, social workers, lawyers, psychologists, child and family advocates, problem solvers, and concerned citizens — all dedicated to the pursuit of peace.”
And if one has an interesting project or concept in mind to enhance the conflict resolution field, they might be interested in sponsoring it. Look into it!
Many law firms are adding mediators because they realize that litigation, and its inherent win-lose model, are not appropriate in many situations.
“In 2011, the American Bar Association declared the third week of October, “ABA Mediation Week,” in part building on the efforts of many other national, state and local organizations, including the ACR, which has traditionally celebrated conflict resolution during the month of October.”
Conflict resolution steps are basically the same whether you are working with pre-schoolers or nations. It’s very learnable and comfortable. In fact, maybe “conflict resolution” should be renamed “interpersonal problem solving.”
Part two will share these steps. But first I want to share points that Dr. Mark Umbreit, University of Wisconsin professor and one of the three recognized creators of restorative justice in the ‘70s, taught, and had us practice in his mindfulness mediation training two years ago:
1. “The heart of the restorative justice movement as expressed in its various forms of mediation and dialogue is anchored in human relationship, respect, humility and authentic communication.
2. Many believe far too much emphasis has been on the techniques of doing dialogue. While techniques of facilitation are important to learn they can also become a significant obstacle to true dialogue among the parties if practiced too rigidly.
3. A mindfulness-based approach to restorative justice dialogue is grounded in open-hearted, moment-by-moment non-judgmental awareness.
4. Deep, compassionate listening is a mindfulness-based practice grounded in our heart, not our head. It goes far beyond the more common active listening that by definition keeps us in the head.
5. By taming our egos, deep listening is a gift of awakening for both the practitioner and the recipient. This experiential workshop will provide opportunities to learn and practice centering breath work, deep, compassionate listening and cultivating the power of presence through mindfulness.
6. Mindfulness, deep listening, and stories are the spiritual core of peace-building within and among others.”
The exercises we did were to still our minds by focusing on our deep breathing for about two minutes. Then in partners vowing confidentiality, each person spoke for two to five minutes about something that they’d been mentally turning over in their minds. The other person was silent, totally focused on what they were saying with compassionate attention, which was conveyed by the eyes and facial expression. There was no interrupting. Nodding was an allowable form of support. Soft smiling came naturally.
I was a listener first, and touched by my partner’s story. She came to tears as she shared, and I offered her a tissue. Then she seemed to resolve the issue herself in her mind. Sometimes we just need to unload the emotion and know that we are heard. The mind is then able to right itself. It was healing for both of us. I had a similar experience in that when I finally did unload the issue and saw it for what it really was. It wasn’t as much of a problem as I thought it was.
Experiment with this. On your own, really listen without interrupting to someone you’re with. Of course if they ask you a question, respond, but make it a mix between heart and head. Don’t you like it when people consider how you feel about something? Do it for yourself too. Our heads pound us with thoughts. Focus your thoughts on your breath. Breathe in slowly, hold it for a few seconds, and then breathe out slowly. Do it until you feel calmer and recharged.
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Annaleah Atkinson is a Kauai resident.
