I’m a believer — with doubts about God

I was listening to Hawaii Public Radio on the way to work. They were discussing cancer. One caller called in to talk about her cancer and said “I had a double mastectomy. Last week I went to see my doctor for a followup and he told me that he had good news. My cancer has not spread to my lymph node and I will not have to have any radiation treatments. This is a gift from God!”

I have to admit, I struggle as a Christian. I can’t honestly say that I believe everything, word-for-word that is in the Bible. At least not in a literal sense. While I believe in God, I must confess that I question that belief all the time and when my time comes to pass on to the great beyond, I would not be at all surprised to find that I was wrong in my belief. Yes, I believe in God but often feel I could be totally wrong.

This woman’s conversation is one of those things that brings more questions to mind. This woman had cancer and had to have a double mastectomy. It didn’t spread to her lymph node so this was a “gift” from God.

When I hear this I can’t help but wonder what kind of gift is this? Wouldn’t a better gift have been for her to not have had cancer at all? Or if God really did reach down and stop the cancer from spreading to her lymph node, couldn’t he have just as easily have reached down and cured the cancer before she had to have the double mastectomy? This woman is God’s child. Would not a loving father have stopped this cancer if he could. All you fathers out there, the love you have for your child must truly be minuscule in comparison to the pure and untainted love of God. Yet with what little amount of love you possess, would you have not reached out and prevented this cancer in your child if you had the power to do so?

I know that some are going to comment about the Lord moving in mysterious ways. That there is a reason for all that he does. But that just doesn’t cut it for me. I believe that people say that just because they do not want to consider that there may not be a God. Rather than voice the possibility that there may not be a God, they make excuses for him. Biblical loopholes that helps account for all that makes no sense.

I have not ruled out the existence of God. I want to believe. I’m trying Lord, but some days it’s not easy.


Loyd Clayton is from Hanapepe.


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