LIHUE — When a relationship begins to falter, a person’s natural reaction is to wonder why their partner doesn’t change. Then, so goes the usual line of thinking, things would be so much better and easier. But seeking change in
LIHUE — When a relationship begins to falter, a person’s natural reaction is to wonder why their partner doesn’t change. Then, so goes the usual line of thinking, things would be so much better and easier.
But seeking change in others isn’t the right route to keeping that fire burning.
“To me, that model doesn’t work,” said Cary Valentine, a certified relationship coach. “Point the finger at self. How can I transform my approach, my attitude, how I’m feeling about myself? When you start doing that, things take a whole different vision.”
The author of “In Love Forever: 7 Secrets to a Joyous, Juicy Relationship,” will be presenting an interactive talk at 4 p.m. Sunday at St. Michael and All Angels Episcopal Church. He will offer “real questions” and “real answers.”
He will also be offering a four-week relationship course starting Jan. 21.
It is for singles and couples, whether they’ve been together for decades or weeks.
“This is an opportunity for growth,” the Kilauea man said.
Valentine said talking about relationships can often be challenging and an even touchy subject for many people. He hopes to help people develop the tools to overcome any fears and feel comfortable expressing their feeling about love, passion and intimacy.
He referred to the program as an invitation to a playful way to start off the new year. His presentation will not be a lecture, but more of interaction, an opportunity for couples and singles to have fun and feel at ease with those around them. He wants them to come away feeling like they’ve gotten some solutions to their challenges, right then and there.
“So many people want to feel better in their life and feel more love in their life,” he said. “And most don’t know how to do it.”
Communication between people is difficult at times. He said most people learn about relationships from their parents, who learned it from their parents. His program will offer other perspectives to consider.
Valentine wants people to be able to talk with their partners about things in their life without being afraid of the reaction.
He said two people in a relationship should be there to help each other, rather than trying to get filled from the other. When that happens, there can be a breakdown of emotional intimacy will often lead to a breakdown in physical intimacy.
“They’re connected,” Valentine said. “Most people don’t know that.”
One key to strong relationships is learning to feel more love in yourself. If a person is feeling empty inside, if they question what they have to give to another, they will likely struggle to develop lasting bonds.
Valentine said Sunday’s program will be lively, fun and perhaps even eye-opening.
“Let’s have a conversation,” he said.
Cost for Sunday’s program is $25 at the door, and includes a copy of Valentine’s book.
