Negative thoughts about extra weight lowering woman’s libido

This is a bittersweet moment to share with you, that this will be my last article. I want to thank Bill Buley and his team for all of your support; I have truly loved writing these columns, even if at times I struggled to put my ideas down in a clear manner. I have appreciated all of the readers who have written in with your comments and questions and those who have shared with me your positive sentiments when I saw you at the post office or at events around the island. The success of these columns has led to the creation of offering relationship assistance through a video series, launching this summer. I realized I don’t have time for doing both and therefore I’m stepping away from writing the columns to dedicate towards the production of the videos. I hope you understand.

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Mahalo for all of your support! A hui hou.

Aloha Cary,

I’ve been having some issues with my libido since I gained 10 pounds over a six-month period. Since I don’t feel as beautiful, I also don’t feel as comfortable being naked around my husband. I am embarrassed about my body and it has started to create tension, as he feels I’ve lost interest. He told me that he wondered if it was him and I explained what’s been going on. Even though he tells me I’m beautiful and isn’t bothered by the extra weight, I can’t seem to shift this feeling and I feel less emotionally present. Can you offer some ideas to help?

Feeling Heavy in Hanalei

Aloha Feeling Heavy in Hanalei,

Thank you for reaching out for assistance. In coaching many couples over the years this is a very typical issue that comes up.

Extra weight can lower libido, yet from your explanation I would say that this is more of a mental issue than a physical one.

I sense that addressing both areas will be helpful for you.

Exercise, even a little at first. Yoga, brisk walking, cycling, swimming will do wonders for your waistline and create an improved sense of well-being. Watch your caloric intake and how much you consume processed foods. Cutting back on carbs and sugar will probably assist in losing the weight. Cook and eat simpler. Get your sweets from fruits and veggies while drinking plenty of water.

Mentally is where the big focus needs to be. For many women, feeling beautiful plays a big part in feeling sensual. I applaud your husband who is loving and appreciating you for who you are as a person. Yet I understand, when you are not “feeling it,” it doesn’t matter what anyone says. It’s time to transform your thinking, which will transform your feeling.

It’s vital that you are paying attention to your thoughts. If you are experiencing any inner negative chatter in your head that says “You are not beautiful” and then you feel a heavy, depressed feeling in your body or are comparing yourself to your friends or the women in the magazines at the check out counters, pay attention!

This is your subconscious trying to get your attention for you to believe and feel more loving to yourself. It’s important to accept the extra weight right now, yet the extra weight isn’t causing you to lose your libido. It’s your thoughts. Strange as this may seem, the extra weight is probably highlighting this issue that was already there and maybe was hiding. By deepening your self-love, this will positively impact how you feel about yourself.

Actively engaging in an increased positive approach will do wonders for your psyche and libido and you will probably shed the weight quicker.

Say an affirmation often during the day: “I chose to accept and love myself more now. I choose to see and feel my beauty now. I choose to feel my beauty, my heart and sensuality now.” At first this may feel mechanical, yet the more you say these phrases sincerely, you will begin to feel a loving kindness emerge. For more in-depth reading about how to turn your negative thoughts around quickly and feel more joy, please check out on Amazon the best-selling book I co-authored: “In Love Forever: 7 Secrets to a Joyous, Juicy Relationship.”

Also, take time to nurture yourself.

Aromatherapy baths, getting a massage or hiking will greatly assist in deepening the feeling of gratitude for the moment, your life and family. As this happens, you will return to feeling more comfortable in your skin and then feel more open to be more skin-to-skin with your husband.

Turning out the lights and lighting a candle might assist you in feeling more comfortable as well. Read a steamy novel or watching a sensual movie will assist you to think more juicy thoughts. As you feel more juicy, your weight concerns will be less of an issue, no matter how much you have lost.

“The epitome of sexuality is abandoning self-consciousness to experience the moment intensely. If one is fretting about this bulge or that bulge or how their butt looks from every angle, it’s pretty difficult to enjoy the moment, much less be there for your partner,” says psychologist Abby Aronowitz.

Oh, is that a Barry White song I hear coming from your bedroom? Have fun reclaiming your love. By doing this, your connection with yourself and husband will be better than ever before. Stay in touch.




Cary Valentine is a certified relationship expert, author and wedding officiant. He can be reached at 346-6652,


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