The importance of making love after Valentine’s Day

Aloha Cary,

My wife and I don’t get all mushy about Valentine’s Day, yet we do love each other.

I wondered if you have recommendations on how we can build upon our love and make our relationship even better all through the year? — Living in Love, Kekaha

Aloha, Living In Love,

I appreciate your honesty. Valentine’s Day reminds us to be more loving to ourself and all of our relations. Especially the ones who are the closest to us.

Coaching many married couples and dating singles over the years, I have found profound transformations in relationships by taking a few moments each week and look straight into each other’s eyes and verbally communicate how you feel about your partner. So many people have told me, “Why do I need to do this? He/she knows how I feel about them.”

What I have found out is this is not the case, and especially in relationships where they haven’t been very expressive about the ways or reasons they love the feeling of being with their partner. By sharing your honest feelings with your partner, they will feel valued and special, which will invigorate and open new levels of heart connection between you two.

This can be very simple, too; i.e., “Honey, I love the way you cook and how you use unique spices,” or “I appreciate how you get excited and organize the details about spending the day out in nature.”

BTW this same idea works wonders for families: Mothers and fathers telling how much they love, respect and feel proud of their kids, will be moments etched in your children’s soul forever. Even if at the time you tell your kids, they have kids of their own. This idea has the same power, if not more, when kids tell their parents how much they appreciate the effort, love, support and sacrifice they have made for them through the years.

Therefore, it’s a beautiful quest to keep your love fresh throughout the year and here are three quick, powerful tips to ensure your love will blossom.

Be transparent. Have no secrets.

Communicate your fears, doubts, concerns, fantasizes with your partner and vice versa.

This will deepen your emotional intimacy; which will have a positive pleasurable effect on your physical intimacy.

Remember to always be dating her

Treat her well; she is your most important and valued part of your life. Don’t settle for complacency. Ask not what your relationship can do for you, ask what you can do for your relationship?

The negative “silent chatter” of thoughts in your head aren’t yours

These apparent negative thoughts are your friends/coaches trying to get your attention and improve your self-esteem, confidence, acceptance and love. Turn your doubts inside out.

For example, you hear a thought in your head: “She’s losing interest in me,” or “You’re not beautiful, especially after you gained those 5 pounds,” translate the thought. The truth is the complete opposite of the negative thought you hear in your head.

How to end the negative effect of doubts and fears in your life is further explained in Chapter 3 of my book, “In Love Forever: 7 Secrets to a Joyous, Juicy Relationship.”

May you experience more lasting love in your life this year than ever before.


Cary Valentine is a certified relationship coach, author of “In Love Forever: 7 Secrets to a Joyous, Juicy Relationship.” Send questions to or call 346-6652.


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


By participating in online discussions you acknowledge that you have agreed to the TERMS OF SERVICE. An insightful discussion of ideas and viewpoints is encouraged, but comments must be civil and in good taste, with no personal attacks. If your comments are inappropriate, you may be banned from posting. To report comments that you believe do not follow our guidelines, send us an email.