A conversation we wish they had

If I were Mayor Carvalho, I would arrange a dinner with Pierre Omidyar, Jeff Stone and Mark Zuckerberg at the St. Regis. Dinner should go something like this:

Mayor Carvalho to waiter: “Four mai tais please.”

After drinks, mayor says to Pierre, “Pierre here are 100 letters to The Garden Island and many studies about the effects the dairy farm you propose will have on the land and people of Kauai. The island is against it, as it will cause pollution of the land and ocean. The smells will be terrible and cause people and business to move, land prices to drop, and tourism to be hurt badly. Please move it to Oahu and it will save you the expense of shipping the milk there to be processed. Use the land to start a tomato business. Our biggest tomato grower, Hamakua Springs Country Farms, is exiting the business and closing down their operation on the Big Island. Thirty people have lost their jobs. We all know you have championed sustainable agriculture and we need help on this issue. Also, there are many who feel your new project of homes and condos overlooking Hanalei Bay will pollute the beautiful bay. I will agree to help you in every way and appear in all your ads with you for homegrown tomatoes. Jeff, we know you have turned over roads to Princeville, but many are in disrepair. The owners of homes and timeshares and condos all complain as they go over the bumps every day. Please help them and your new project at the Prince Golf Course will sail thru our county permit process.”

The mayor turns to Zuckerberg and says, “Mark, your recent $100 million purchases on our island are appreciated. Can you help us on some of our needed projects.”

Mayor Carvalho orders another round of mai tais. Dinner is served.

Pierre says to the mayor, “Mayor, I have heard the discontent and read the newspaper. Kiss the cows goodbye and say hello to your new tomato farm. I will also join the fight against cancer causing pesticides on the Westside of Kauai and build you a new sewage plant to take care of the sewage from my North Shore building project plus all the sewage problems in Hanalei. I want to keep the Hanalei Bay pristine.”

Jeff Stone says to the mayor, “Mr. mayor, I have heard the discontent in Princeville and count on me to fix those roads. Also, I will make sure the roads from Lihue to the end of the road at the Na Pali Coast are all lit up so driving at night is easier for our residents.”

“Wait a minute,” says Mark Zuckerberg. “Mr. mayor, I know about your trash problems here on the island and will build you a new landfill and help you in every way in converting your trash for the next 100 years to energy.”

Mayor Carvalho to the waiter, “I’ll take that check.”

Everyone leaves full and happy.

•••

Richard L. Turner is a resident of Princeville.

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