Three ways to be a better husband, lover in 2015

Aloha Cary,

I’ve been feeling sex with my wife has been getting stale as of late. We’ve been married for over six years and I feel like the hot and heavy times have morphed into sex-by-numbers; just going through a routine of pre-approved maneuvers. I want more but not sure how. Can you help? — Afraid of Drying Up, Kapaa

Aloha Afraid of Drying Up,

Thank you for writing in and exposing a challenge that affects most relationships. Left unattended, this is one of the biggest problems guys have with their marriages, if they were honest. Just because it’s a problem or becoming a problem today doesn’t mean you can’t transform.

The first step is bring out into the open and communicate with your partner about your frustrations. Take ownership for your feelings. Don’t blame her. Believe it or not she is probably feeling the lack of connection as well. Say, “I haven’t been feeling as connected to you sensually and I want to feel and please you more.” Bringing this issue up with her may initially be very scary. Yet, with being honest with each other, you are bound to rev up both of your engines and take your love making into a whole new gear.

I remember being petrified for the longest time to honestly breach the subject with my wife, Wendy, many years ago, when we were on the brink of divorce. I’m so grateful I did; it not only led the way to improved romance but our overall connection deepened and it was fun again to hang out with my wife. Needless to say, this was the best time in our 24-year marriage, before she passed.

What I’m going to suggest is easy to start incorporating; taking these actions will transform your connection but you gotta take the action to get the results you desire.

Give and you will receive

Make a choice at least a few times a week to slow down your pace of running out the door in the morning with a stale, “Have a nice day,” followed by an unemotional peck of a kiss, to truly compliment her. Tell her how beautiful she looks with her new haircut, how much you appreciate her delicious cooking. With genuine enthusiasm, wish her success in her meeting, thank her for being your best friend, etc. The goodbye kisses will get more passionate — a prelude to activities later in the day. Utilize the increased endorphin levels by being more focused, efficient and successful at work.

Turn on her mind and heart

It’s vital to be able to know your wife’s interests better and choose to support her. Some women I’ve coached have said their partner helping around the house with cleaning and cooking is like foreplay. During meals, ask about her goals, dreams and visions and look straight into her eyes as she’s speaking with you. Be more into her and she’ll return the favor.

Be daring and ask her how she likes to be touched in a romantic setting. Does it feel good to run your hands through her soft hair? Ask her if she like her shoulders, hands and/or feet massaged. Then do it. Don’t worry. Start. Be gentle, slow. Ask her how the pressure feels. You’ll get the hang of it in no time. Choose to give to her freely, without any pressure.

Her favorite rom-coms

Ask her what her favorite romantic comedies are. Why does she like the particular film? Is it the actor’s chemistry? Are they easy on the eyes?

This will open the conversation about what actors she is attracted to. And ask why. Is it their intelligence, wit, humor, how they dress, their physique? What are her romantic fantasies? Then watch these movies with her. C’mon, it won’t be painful. I know this may feel unnerving to ask these vulnerable questions, yet be inquisitive, not jealous. Remember she is married to you. Then share with her your attractions, fantasies as well. Have fun.

What goes on in the bedroom has a lot to do with what’s going on outside the bedroom. By engaging in these suggestions, your emotional intimacy will deepen, given rise to a more impassioned, inspired feeling about your lives together in 2015. And increased sensuality with your wife will be a wonderful fringe benefit.

Warm regards,



Cary Valentine is a certified relationship coach, author and wedding officiant. His passion is to assist couples, singles and families to overcome daily challenges and create a juicy life. For more info call (808) 346-6652. He welcomes your questions at:


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