Aloha Cary, My girlfriend of a few months has gotten upset when she sees me speak to women friends at the store or at parties. She even made this comment: “Oh, so you wanted to go to bed with that
Aloha Cary,
My girlfriend of a few months has gotten upset when she sees me speak to women friends at the store or at parties. She even made this comment: “Oh, so you wanted to go to bed with that girl who talked to you after your gig, right?” She’s putting the blame on me and won’t admit her jealousy. I am committed to her, though this behavior is starting to cause a problem in our relationship. Just today, she texted me a few times asking where I was. Can you offer me advice on how to talk with her so we can work this through?
Losing The Love,
Lihue
Dear Losing The Love,
In the language of love, jealousy is a gateway to the heart. Put the key in the lock by having a conversation with her that’s honest and transparent about both of your feelings. Most of us feel jealousy at some point in our lives. Jealousy usually comes from a lack of confidence. Sounds like she is projecting her anxieties about herself onto you. This behavior can lead to wanting to control your comings and goings, which is starting to happen. It’s vital for the health and happiness of the relationship to calmly address these behaviors with her immediately.
Turn the key in the lock by discussing any feelings of suspicion, anger and jealousy she feels. Jealousy is usually associated with a fear of loss. Do you know if someone cheated on her before? If so, maybe she didn’t fully clear up and let go of her deep feelings of hurt which she’s now projecting out her pain onto you? Have you ever cheated on someone or has someone been disloyal to you?
An open sharing will unlock this pattern and you both will feel happier and more in love in your hearts for each other.
Here’s a few action steps for you both:
1) Have a conversation with the intent of transforming this uncomfortable situation. Be the peacemaker. Speak with calm compassion. Ask her if she’ll be honest with you (and you the same) about the above scenarios. “What is truly bothering her?”
She might initially react defensively by putting the blame back on you and deny anything is wrong with her. Stay calm. Let her know that it’s OK if her feelings aren’t rational. Ask her, “If she’s willing to look at how she’s projecting her uncomfortable feelings onto you?” Tell her that you care very deeply for her and/or “I love you.” She’ll begin to feel your support and melt the resistance. Tears may fall.
2) Then ask her to close her eyes, take a few deep breaths and relax. Think about the scenarios that make her feel jealous and visualize herself responding with calm confidence and the end result of everyone being happy (i.e. she sees you speaking to a women friend in the store, you introduce her, the two ladies enjoy meeting each other and develop a close friendship). This will assist her in feeling more confidence and love for herself.
*If at any point, either one of you feel this process is overwhelming or beyond your capacity or abilities, stop and seek out a relationship counselor/coach to help you through this issue. Hug each other knowing that together you are shifting this pattern with joy and faith.
3) Take time to appreciate each other as you work out this issue. A few times a week share three things you appreciate about each other and how your partner is making you a better person. This action will greatly improve your bond and assist in healing any wounds.
4) Make sure each of you are spending quality time away from the relationship, like hanging out with friends in nature or taking a class. This will create a balance of personal independence and confidence in the relationship.
5) Go celebrate and declare your love for each other, giving thanks to your willingness to admit and transform the levels of jealously in each of you and have a juicy kiss under a rainbow.
Befriend jealousy; it’s your teacher. The jealous behavior that may now seem overwhelming can get cleared up, quite quickly, if the two of you are willing, especially with professional assistance. Taking this action will put your relationship in a positive trajectory for deepening your intimacy and trust.
However, if your partner refuses to acknowledge her jealousy and take ownership for her behavior and if the pattern continues or gets worse and she refuses to get assistance, then it’s wise for you to consider ending this courtship.
“If you love somebody, set them free.” – Sting
Let me know how things work out.
Malama Pono,
Cary
• Cary Valentine is a certified relationship expert, author and wedding officiant. His passion is to coach singles, couples & families to overcome daily challenges and create a juicy life. For more info call (808) 346-6652 He welcomes your questions at: Cary@InLoveForever.tv
