Aloha Cary, I broke up with my girlfriend of two and a half years as we fought too much over little stuff. I’ve been dating on and off for the past 10 months. Some of the dates have been fun
Aloha Cary,
I broke up with my girlfriend of two and a half years as we fought too much over little stuff. I’ve been dating on and off for the past 10 months. Some of the dates have been fun and gone out multiple times and some of them bombed. Do you have any tips to ensure a better dating experience?
Seeking More Connection, Kilauea
Aloha Seeking More Connection,
Thank you for asking about dating, as it is an art. The more you practice, the less awkward you’ll feel. By feeling more relaxed and comfortable you’ll ask better questions as well as respond better to her, which will improve your chances of felling a deeper connection. Here are 12 Do’s and Don’ts to make sure the first date is fun, goes well and hopefully you’ll both want a second date, third date and…
1. Don’t be a “furrowed brow” interviewer. Keep the “serious” issues (like how many kids you want) until later (at least till after the dessert is served). Let down your guard, be playful. Ask about what your date is passionate about or what do they like doing? If an awkward silence happens, be honest, laugh and admit you are a little nervous. Your date is probably feeling the same and will appreciate your transparency.
2. Don’t talk about your ex, over-exaggerate or lie about your achievements. Not being authentic creates trust and credibility issues down the line when the truth is revealed. Keep your life story to a bite-size appetizer (now matter how adventurous and awesome it may be) giving your date a chance to inquire more about your life during the phone conversation setting up outing number two.
3. Don’t split the bill. Guy pays. Choose a place that feels comfortable and won’t burn a hole in your wallet. Ladies, look him in the eyes and thank him for his kindness, whether you are feeling chemistry or not. If you are a progressive gal and want to pay, wait to mention this on the next date. Don’t force the issue. Just because you paid don’t think this is a down payment on pleasures, which leads to . . .
4. Don’t “do it” tonight. Wait. It will be worth it. Make sure you are really into each other before you light up the fireworks; although, there’s no harm in a sensual good night kiss, if the mood is right.
5. Don’t judge too harshly or quickly.
Savor the “relationship meal.” Don’t push the plate away if you don’t like the first impression, you might get to enjoy the nuances as you get more comfortable and know each other better. That being said, don’t ignore red flags of inappropriate behavior. Have fun, don’t worry about if she is the one, who knows, you may turn into helpful business contacts for each other.
6. Don’t be late.
7. Do leave any problems of the day at the door to your office or home when you leave. Pick them up when you return, if they are still around.
8. Do dress nicely but don’t over do it.
Gift your date a single rose or a fragrant lei. Be on your best behavior. Open all doors for her. She may not feel it’s necessary, yet she’ll probably like it.
9. Do have meaningful conversation.
Play 20 questions: “What do you most enjoy doing? Got hobbies? What do you most like about your work? Where would you like to travel and why? Who are your heroes? What’s your top 3 favorite movies, why?” Offer short authentic responses to her inquiries. This will reveal if you have similar values, sense of adventure and interests.
10. Do listen more than you speak.
Ask your date a follow up question with smiling eyes so she can expand on her story and deepen the conversation. This shows you are paying attention and interested. Talk about your job for only a few minutes. If you do find yourself nervously hogging the airwaves, gracefully stop yourself and ask a question in No. 9.
11. Do suggest to order what she is truly hungry for, not just the light salad and woo with positive affection.
Work your charm. There’s no shame in flirting, show some encouraging body language. When she’s talking lean towards her, make eye contact, smile. She’ll probably feel the magnetic urge to do the same. Allow her to make physical contact (such as a slight touch of the arm) with you as she goes to the powder room or laughs. This will subtlety tell her you are comfortable with physical contact; and, ensuring a more enjoyable date and set the course for future ones.
12. Do ask her out again. If you’re interested in a second date, be courageous. Let her know you enjoyed the night and you’d like to see her again. If you felt a spark she probably did as well. That being said, if you are not interested in another date, speak the truth and let her know by saying “it was nice to meet you and good luck on your relationship search.”
Conclude the date with some after dinner chocolate wisdom! (I can see the wait staff enviously talking about the electricity at your table by following these tips). Do compliment her. Allow each date to unfold naturally, like a beautiful painting. Set your intention for a fun time, be open and excited to learn something new. This way, no matter what happens you expanded yourself.
Malama pono,
Cary
• Cary Valentine is a certified relationship expert, author & wedding officiant. His passion is to coach singles, couples & families to overcome daily challenges and create a juicy life. More info call (808) 346-6652. Questions welcomed at: Cary@InLoveForever.tv
