A person came up to me at the Martin Luther King Jr. event and stated she really wanted to work something out with another person, but that person wouldn’t talk to her. That’s unfortunate, because if a person is having
A person came up to me at the Martin Luther King Jr. event and stated she really wanted to work something out with another person, but that person wouldn’t talk to her. That’s unfortunate, because if a person is having a conflict with another person, the only people who can really be effective in resolving the conflict are the two people. They know between them the cause of the problem and what each needs.
What they don’t know is how the other person sees the problem and what they need. That is discovered by each person talking and sharing their side of the problem, their feelings about it and what they need from the other person. Some reasons that people won’t have these difficult conversations are because:
• Some people assume they know why a person did what they did, and they think they know what the other person wants.
• Sometimes they might be afraid. It could be fear of bodily harm if the other person is a bully, but more often it’s an emotional or mental fear.
• We all have the basic need to feel safe emotionally. We need to feel that we can trust others. But sometimes a person doesn’t feel that they can trust the other person because they’ve had a bad experience with the other.
• Some people believe that they don’t express themselves very well with words, or at least not as well as the other person.
• Some people are so used to being victims that they just don’t try to change things, and the opposite:
• Some people are so used to getting their own way that they just won’t try to change things!
• Some people actually know that they’ve made a mistake and it hurts.
But all of this is a result of our ego’s desire to keep its self-image intact. It is the motivation for a lot of what we do. That means, we don’t want to risk being wrong, or looking any other way than how we want to see ourselves. We all experience this. Movie stars, politicians, CEO’s, etc. all spend big bucks on self-image. So do we, at a lesser scale every time we buy or do something that is motivated by “How will this make me look to others?”
Now for the solutions: If the overall fear we have is of being wrong, then that judgmental threat needs to be removed. We are all different with different perceptions and skills, but we are all created equal at the spiritual level. If two people can come to the table feeling like equals, with mutual respect and a sincere desire to understand a problem and reach a mutually satisfying solution, then the process will work. Remember that no one on Earth has the ability or knowledge to judge you, although you may have to face a judge to decide if your behavior broke rules that are agreed upon by the state, or organization you belong to.
If you feel like a victim, go to your school counselor or if it’s an abuse issue go to the YWCA on Hardy St. in Lihue. They have a lovely lounge area with many brochures to help victims. Check them out and talk to the receptionist. She will direct you to the correct person to see for your issue.
Definitely enlist a mediator at school or elsewhere if you fear bodily harm.
If you don’t think that you speak well, just remember that Moses didn’t either. He had his brother Aaron do the talking to the people. Perhaps you could write down the 1-2-3 below before you come to the resolution meeting. Perhaps you could ask to have a mutual friend lead the conversation between you and the other person.
If you think you’ve made a mistake, own up. It won’t be the last. We humans make them. Now is a chance to learn how to fix them. There is power in “I’m sorry.”
If the goal is to reach a win-win solution and it is stated so at the beginning, the threat of being wrong is removed. Think, “Now I get to decide part of the solution.”
We have so much to gain whenever we come through the other side of a difficult conversation. We learn more about ourselves, and how we appear to others. We learn more about the other person, and we learn that it’s OK to have needs and ask to have them met respectfully. Let’s try to be the person who sees the good in others, and doesn’t want them to be wrong. When faced with difficulty, Mr. Rogers mother told him to “Look for the helpers … There will always be helpers.” That’s still true.
Hale `Opio Kaua’i convened a support group of adults in our Kaua’i community to “step into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Please email your questions or concerns facing our youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson.
If a person can’t trust a person, then maybe they can trust a process. Here’s one that helps people resolve their conflicts in four steps. First, they must agree to listen to each other, not interrupt and try to make a win-win solution. They must speak respectfully. Then they:
1. Tell their story, briefly, but hitting all the important parts.
2. Share their feelings. Sometimes the other side doesn’t know that they’ve hurt or frightened the other person. But it shouldn’t go on and on. We don’t want the person to continue to see themselves as a victim.
3. State what they need from the other person.
4. Negotiate a win-win.
Negotiation means having a “discussion aimed at reaching an agreement.” That will be the subject of next week’s “Corner.”
