Start year on right track with strong relationship

Aloha Cary,

I’m ending my relationship with my boyfriend. I want to start the year off right and attract someone who is more supportive and understanding. I have tried New Year’s resolutions in the past but they never seemed to stick. Can you assist me?

Love in the New Year, Kekaha

Aloha Love in the New Year,

I am excited for you to have the love of your life and I applaud you for ending a relationship that’s not working, as difficult as that may be.

There’s lots of research about why New Year’s resolutions don’t work and I’m going to give you a few tips on how to have yours turn into a new reality.

New Year’s resolutions are often desires of creating something new; losing weight, making more money, enjoying life more etc. We make a bold statement “I’m going to lose 20 pounds by April.”

We start off with wonderful intentions but if we don’t break the big goal down into simple bite-sized chunks (I’m going to eat at least three light, healthy dinners a week), create a daily/weekly/monthly plan so your resolution can become a new habit and have an accountability partner or journal to explore how you are doing, you’ll often lose momentum very quickly and forget about the resolution.

Now let’s focus on ways to ensure a success of your resolution to having lasting love.

1) Reflect on your past relationship.

No matter how it ends, focus on what you learned about yourself and how you can be a better partner. You were attracted to be in the relationship in the beginning. What happened? Not what you expected? Things changed? What positive awareness can you take away from the experience.  

2) Get specific about your lover.

Day dream and let your heart get excited about the qualities of the partner you desire. Then record these ideas on paper or on audio. Reflect, fine-tune. The clearer you are about what you want the more accurately you’ll manifest this partner. You may generalize at first such as “someone who’s nice and attractive.”

Then get more specific: he’s a great listener, communicator, supportive of my passions, dreams and concerns. Makes constant eye contact, takes my breath away when he walks in a room, his smell is like perfume, his voice relaxes me and he’s confident. Likes activities in nature and culturally diverse with music, movies, art, literature.  

3) Love yourself as you desire your partner to love you

Are you treating yourself with respect, compassion and kindness? Do you doubt, judge, criticize yourself or your body?  

What do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror? The more confident and comfortable you are in your own skin and enjoy yourself being single, the more likely you are to have a lasting, juicy relationship.

4) Dating your way.

As you start to date, do what feels most true to you. Trust your own instincts more than what society says about  when it’s OK to call, text, communicate your honest feelings, become involved sexually. Changing your daily routines can increase meeting new people (different coffee location, different beach/gym or time of day when you go, take a new class) that have similar interests.

5) Smile and say, “Hi.”

When you see a guy walking by, across the room or at club who causes you to gasp and be like deer in headlights you may avoid eye contact, not smile, and otherwise ignore him. Maybe due to fear of rejection or shyness.

Make a resolution to make eye contact, smile and say hi. This will also make you more approachable because you are also causing guys to gasp as well.

Have fun incorporating these new habits into your life, they will greatly assist in your New Year’s resolution to having lasting love.

Warm regards,


• Cary Valentine is a certified relationship expert, author & wedding officiant. His passion is to coach singles, couples & families to overcome daily challenges and create a juicy life. For more info call (808) 346-6652 He welcomes your questions at:


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


By participating in online discussions you acknowledge that you have agreed to the TERMS OF SERVICE. An insightful discussion of ideas and viewpoints is encouraged, but comments must be civil and in good taste, with no personal attacks. If your comments are inappropriate, you may be banned from posting. To report comments that you believe do not follow our guidelines, send us an email.