Sexy = Smart + Thoughtful + Generous?

Aston Kutcher received the “Ultimate Choice” Teen Choice award, and in his acceptance speech he stated something that many of us older folks know, and try to share with our teen friends.

He said, “The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart, and being thoughtful, and being generous. Everything else is crap. I promise. It’s just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less, so don’t buy it. Be smart. Be thoughtful. Be generous.”

Let’s work with this. “Sexy” may mean sexually attractive or exciting, but it also means appealing. It makes you feel good.

Being smart is sexy because it brings in another dimension to a relationship. We are not just bodies. We are physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual beings. Just as we eat good food, exercise, and get enough sleep to have a healthy attractive body, we also have to feed and exercise our minds by learning new things every day. If you aren’t English speaking, or reading is very difficult, you can go to They teach very basic phonics, the way to sound out words. From that you go to stories, and read more. Ask a librarian to help you find sources of literacy coaching or trade literacy coaching for surf lessons or something that you do well.

 When you are reading, you can go on line to find information. Assuming you have basic skills, you might want to read about human behavior … why we do the things we do. You may choose to learn about a specific area related to a hobby or work.

Learn all about Kauai. It’s your home, and other people might be attracted to a person who knows the ins and outs of his community, and how it works.

Certainly know how to do math, to make change, go shopping, budget, etc., those practical things. It’s not sexy when you’ve misjudged dinner costs, and can’t go to the promised movie afterwards. Know how to take care of your own needs, so that you can get a clean blouse or shirt, and not depend on someone else to clean if for you when you need it last minute.

We exercise our minds when we engage in meaningful conversation with others, or play games that get us to think.

Being thoughtful as Aston uses it means showing consideration for the needs of other people. It reflects our social being. We need to know about the relationship between feelings and needs. People are generally happy when their needs are met, and unhappy when their needs aren’t met. People may act out to get attention because they feel they are ignored, and we all have the need to be respected, accepted and appreciated in our community. When we act out of kindness and respect, we help meet those needs in others, and they are more likely to respond favorably. Being thoughtful means you care. That makes people feel good, and that is sexy.

Being generous means “showing a readiness to give more of something … than is necessary or expected.” It usually reflects kindness, and is an expression of the spiritual part of ourselves. It does make one feel good when others pick up the tab, or someone donates generously to your cause. How does it feel when someone invites you to go shopping with them, and they pick up the tab? But being generous can also mean forgiving another person.  Believing in another person is usually healing to all concerned. When someone expects good things from us, we tend to do good things!

Compare these two scenarios, and see which is more appealing. I had a friend who was very smart and generally respectful, but he always tried to talk down prices of things. He’d bring the cheapest things to church potlucks, and was always talking about how much money he saved. I also have a friend who usually makes homemade healthy and yummy things for these potlucks, and will often bring little things for the kids to play with, like tiny bubble bottles or a bag of balloons. Who would you rather be with?

A person may be attracted initially to another person by physical attributes, but if that guy is always busy in the gym, or flexing his muscles, or talking about his conquests, it’s “adios” for most girls. If the girl is always checking how she looks in a mirror, or obsessing about her weight, hair, skin, curves, etc., what can she offer to a meaningful relationship? If you want to be sexy, don’t just be the cover. Be the whole book!

Please email your questions or concerns facing our youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at


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