We know that the most effective way to stop bullying is to create a caring majority that just won’t tolerate the meanness and selfishness of bullying. “Caring” is just as important as “majority” in making this work. We want both
We know that the most effective way to stop bullying is to create a caring majority that just won’t tolerate the meanness and selfishness of bullying. “Caring” is just as important as “majority” in making this work.
We want both the bully and the victim to get their needs met in a kind and thoughtful way. We need to train the majority on how to resolve conflicts, for themselves and for others. Then they need to make a commitment as a group that when they see a conflict occurring, before it gets to the level of fighting, that they will offer to be neutral helpers.
The bystanders need to stand together, because the bully probably won’t want to stop, but might if he is outnumbered.
The caring majority becomes the heart that beats throughout the school or workplace. It has the eyes that are in the restrooms, locker rooms, cafeteria, halls, grounds, classrooms, gym, workroom, etc. When conflict begins to escalate, then a few of you show up and offer to help them resolve their issue thoughtfully.
The ideal scenario would be that every club, group, team, classroom, hui, etc. elects one or two people they think would be great at helping their group resolve issues peacefully. The elected peacekeepers then receive some training and practice. They might wear a lariat or ID card that identifies them as peacekeepers. But everyone in the school would get a basic training that would look something like this “1-2-3 to Win-Win” technique:
1-2-3 to Win-Win
Helper’s job is to instantly create a safe place for a working conversation to take place. Let them know that you are not there to judge them, but to help find a solution. Disputants must trust that the helper and the other person are going to be fair and honest.
Rules: One person speaks at a time. There are no put-downs, and no interruptions. Say, “No one sees things in the same way. You’ll each have a chance to tell your side. Be calm. It helps you think better. Listen and try to understand the other side.’”
Encouraging phrases: “If you were able to create this conflict, you are able to solve it.” “We want you both to win, and get your needs met.”
1. Tell your story: Disputants need to know that someone hears them. Helpers don’t interrupt, but ask questions for clarity or to keep the person talking. Encourage the teller to give facts: What they saw, heard, felt, etc. and not judge.
If one person blames or judges the other you could say, “You can only speak for yourself, so use ‘I’ statements.”
“You can’t know what ___ thinks, or feels. Wait for his/her side.”
When they are finished, repeat back the main points of what you’ve heard the person say, so you all understand it clearly.
Do the same for the other side.
2. Tell how you feel: Use “I” statements. I feel sad, etc.
People need to use feeling words like sad, angry, frightened, worried, confused. Some people aren’t in touch with their feelings. Watch for body language. One time I was helping resolve a conflict, and the victim started crying when she told how she felt being bullied. The bully was truly surprised, and felt bad. He apologized, and the bullying stopped.
3. Say what you need: To take care of yourself, to feel peace again.
Most people need to feel physically and emotionally safe, feel respected, feel acknowledged, feel like they matter, and have some control over what happens to them. They want to live meaningful lives and need to feel supported by a community that cares for them. They may think they need restitution (pay for damages).
Many youth issues are about respect, and often fights are begun because one side has received false information. Sometimes people just want to know the truth. It’s important to get to the truth.
Get to win-win. Negotiate so that they get their needs met as best as they can.
If they want to keep blaming each other you could say, “It’s not our job to determine who is right and who is wrong. Where do we go from here and how do we create a solution that satisfies both of you?” or “What do you each need from each other to feel like a winner?”
Even If you don’t solve this problem here, what do you think will happen?
Ask “What can you give? Trade? Offer?”
Brainstorm! Get details for the agreement, and then get a reality check. Is this solution something both can really do?
Some people need more time to think about things than you have in the moment. You can agree to meet again at a certain time or schedule some time with a peer mediator.
So there it is: The skeleton for learning conflict resolution. If you like it, make it happen. You don’t have to wait for a grown-up to organize it.
Visit www.barronprize.org to read about hundreds of children ages 8 to 18 all over the country who have done something outstanding for the betterment of people or the planet. Maybe next year you can win one of the 10 $5,000 prizes. I will teach basic conflict resolution to any group of 12 or more. Email me!
• Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i convened a support group of adults in our community to ‘step into the corner’ for our teens, to answer questions and give support. Email questions or concerns facing youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org.
