As I write this article, political campaigns are fraught with untruths, knowing that if a slander or libel case goes to court, it would be well after the election before they could face court because of their lie. Debates have
As I write this article, political campaigns are fraught with untruths, knowing that if a slander or libel case goes to court, it would be well after the election before they could face court because of their lie. Debates have to have “fact teams” to verify that what is said is truth. What kind of model are the leaders demonstrating to the people? Lance Armstrong, a sports hero of mine, has been stripped of seven years of bicycling awards because of illegal doping, and the steps he took to make sure that no one found out —more negative modeling.
The elder generations of this country have got to make the message clear that honesty is essential in having good self-esteem and building quality relationships. Older students can model it for younger ones.
When a building is being constructed, sometimes a cornerstone is ceremonially laid at the corner of the foundation. It is essential that the foundation of a building is strong, because the safety and integrity of the entire building rests on it. If it is weak or wobbly, the building could collapse. We use the word “cornerstone” to mean something that is extremely important to the success of a project.
Honesty means being free of deceit and untruthfulness. When I was teaching about honesty to pre-schoolers, I simplified it to “We speak about what we really see and know.” Even when we do our best to speak the truth, there may be times when we misinterpret what happened, but if we do our best to speak the truth, we will have a clear conscience. The conscience is the little voice inside your heart that tells you right from wrong. To have good self-esteem, we need to feel good about ourselves, and having a clear conscience is a part of feeling good about ourselves. It also makes us priceless to our friends, family and others. They can trust us. A true friend will tell us if a shirt “makes us look good or not,” rather than just say what we want to hear. Trust is a “cornerstone” for a good relationship, and good relationships are the cornerstones for a good life!
Look into your own experience. How did you feel when someone lied to you? Betrayed? Disappointed? Angry? Were you able to trust that person again right away, or can you really now? By being honest we live from our integrity and we have peace with ourselves. When people get caught up in a great story for themselves, they can get caught up with their own side of what is going to happen, and not consider the consequences to others. They may think that if they pull of a good lie that leads to some success for them, they won’t have to deal with the consequences. But there is one person that can never be fooled, and that is ourselves. We know the truth. Guilt can just eat away at our happiness as we pass through the experience of the realization of the true nature of what we did. All the glamour, fascination and intoxication of our dishonest story vanishes, and we face the judgment of our own souls, which is why many people admit their wrong doings, or turn themselves in to the police after a time.
The New York Times states, “Trying to hold onto an inflammatory secret is mentally exhausting, studies have found, and the act of suppressing the information can cause thoughts of it to flood the consciousness.” (www.nytimes.com/2008/05/ 06/health/06mind.html?_r=0) Associates of Lance Armstrong couldn’t contain the negative feelings they were holding for so long, and came forward with the truth.
Sadly, others we love may be affected. Bernie Madoff pulled a Ponzi scheme, which means that he lied about how people could make money. He robbed them of their savings, while making millions off of it. It was devastating to his son, who committed suicide.
So if being honest is positive for us, and dishonesty is negative, why do people do it? According to a Psychology Today article “Excuses, excuses, excuses: Why People Lie, Cheat, and Procrastinate,” May 18, 2010, there are four basic reasons:
1. It gets reinforced, meaning that if I tell a little lie, and no one checks it out, and I get my way from it, I’ll do it again. (So from an early age we should check!)
2. We begin to believe the lie. I tell the story of the lie with energy and conviction, and then it seems to become a part of my memory.
3. It protects our positive sense of identity. We like to think that we are good, upstanding people, so rather than admitting that they lie or cheat, they “twist the facts around so that, in their minds, they didn’t.” The lie grows!
4. It serves our biases — “We blame the situation, not ourselves when we make excuses or lie.” but then when we see another do it, we judge them as morally defective and avoid them at all costs.” (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ fulfillment-any-age/201005/excuses-excuses-excuses-why-people-lie-cheat-and- procrastinate)
The emotion underlying all of these reasons is fear. It’s a fear that our story about the greatness of ourselves won’t be upheld if the truth is found out. In other words, we fear the judgment of others and ourselves. We judge ourselves harshly all the time but many religions, which help form the moral basis of a society, have told us not to judge, because we really are incapable of it (please see No. 4 above). Our mind twists things. The best solution is to do our best and be honest about it. That way we don’t have to remember what we said to whom or feel the stress from our lie, and others will be able to trust us.
Perhaps we could also be more forgiving, and accepting, rather than judging. Honestly, wouldn’t we want that for ourselves when we’ve tried our hardest?
• Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i convened a support group of adults in our community to ‘step into the corner’ for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Email questions or concerns facing youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org.
