‘How to Grow Up and Rule the World’

Adults can be so unreasonable.

If it’s not bad enough that you’ve got a curfew, you’ve also got a bedtime. They make you do chores and homework and more chores. You have to mind your manners, be nice to your brother, and behave in school.

If you ruled the world, none of this would happen. But how does one become an Evil Ruler? You can start by reading “How to Grow Up and Rule the World” by Vordak the Incomprehensible (and his minions Scott Seegert and John Martin).

Everybody has to start out somewhere, and that goes for Vordak the Incomprehensible. He grew up “in central Wisconsin,” the son of Walter the Incomprehensible and Irene the Unmerciful-Incomprehensible.

Vordak was an evil child but got good grades in school and eventually went to college to play basketball. After college he joined the Denizens of Doom, a top evil Supervillain organization. He started as a Lackey and worked his way up to the Evil Ruler that he is today.

To become Evil Ruler of the World, you first need to understand that everyone has evil inside them, even Santa Claus. You’ll need to have as much Extreme Villainy In Large Quantities, or EVILQ, or you’ll never be evil enough. You’ll want to commit lots of evil acts; Vordak gives you a few ideas on how to do that. You’ll have to practice your evil laugh so it’s loud and scary, and you’ll need to practice your evil manners (demand, never ask). MUAHAHAHAHA!!

No Evil Ruler is complete without a “gut-wrenchingly evil name” and Vordak the Incomprehensible helps with a name-generator. Begin using your evil name in all conversation, write it on your stuff, and don’t answer to anything else.

You’ll need a costume and maybe a mask. A cape is essential. You’ll want to raise money and count it as often as possible. Choose an evil lair that’s right for you and get a sidekick and a top-notch evil organization, including lots of minions and henchmen. Nobody said being an Evil Ruler was going to be easy, you know.

I didn’t like this book at first. I’m not really sure I like it even now. As I was reading it, I was thinking all kinds of “no” until it hit me that I’m the total opposite of this book’s audience: I’m not a 10-year-old boy.

But “How to Grow Up and Rule the World” needs a specific kind of 10-year-old boy reader, and therein lies the key. Savvy, streetwise pre-teens are going to think this book is pretty dumb. Any child with an inherent mean streak doesn’t need the encouragement that this book would lend. But a kid with a great imagination and a sense of silliness will love this book, the humor in it, and the fun of pretending.

This is not a book for everybody and it’s certainly not a book for moms. But if your 8-to-12-year-old is the right kind of kid, “How to Grow Up and Rule the World” will make him MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!

• The Bookworm is Terri Schlichenmeyer. She has been reading since she was 3 and never goes anywhere without a book.