DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are experiencing a low in our relationship. I feel that he doesn’t help out with our 4-year-old autistic child. I know dealing with an autistic child is a challenging and sensitive matter, but I’m
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are experiencing a low in our relationship. I feel that he doesn’t help out with our 4-year-old autistic child. I know dealing with an autistic child is a challenging and sensitive matter, but I’m so frustrated at the fact that my husband doesn’t show enough empathy. I love my husband, and I want our marriage to work, but I feel that my child’s condition is putting a strain on our marriage. I have tried talking to him numerous times, but it seems that he will never change. What should I do?
— Nikki, Pittsburgh, Pa.
Dear Nikki: You and your husband need help. I strongly recommend that you research parent-support groups for children with autism in your community. Nearly every big city has these groups, because raising an autistic child can be challenging. The ability to talk about what’s happening in your family and learn about others’ victories and concerns could be like a salve to your relationship. Encourage your husband to join you at one of these gatherings. Don’t badger him. Just invite him and then work on being calm with him and with yourself as you navigate through this tough period. You can figure out how to be better partners if you seek out the help that you need to get there.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am alarmed and disappointed that you would encourage a mother (Beth in Atlanta, Ga.) to read her daughter’s journal without permission. It is a violation of her daughter’s trust, an insult to her daughter’s individuality, shows a tremendous lack of respect, and sets a lousy example. What is wrong with a straightforward, loving, sit-down talk, where she tells her daughter what she told you? She could say things like: “I’m worried about you;” “You’ve seemed sad lately;” “Your grades dropped last year, and this summer you weren’t your normal, bubbly self;” “Is there anything you want to talk about?” “How can I help you?” and “I love you and want to know what is going on with you.”
— Lori, Shreveport, La.
Dear Lori: I fully understand your recommended approach, and it may work in some instances. I am remiss not to suggest the more-direct, intimate approach as step one. My first inclination is not to snoop. However, I have talked to many parents and counselors about our troubled youth. Often, they hide their pain and become unresponsive when invited to have that “loving, sit-down talk.” Yes, that would be best. It would be ideal to request a dialogue where mother or father and teen can be open and easeful in a revealing conversation. For all parents, I agree with you to recommend that first.
However, if you fear that your child is sliding down a slippery slope and you can’t seem to access his or her feelings, I believe that you have to take other steps. Try talking directly first. Engaging a counselor is next. Then start sleuthing. I would rather my child be mad at me for reading her journal and have a chance at possibly saving her life than not.
DEAR HARRIETTE: A business associate invited me to her baby shower. I like her a lot, although we’re not friends. I want to go to the shower, but I’m feeling a little shy. I don’t know her friends, and this is a personal event. I’m wondering if I should just send her a gift but keep my distance. Do you think she would think I’m being rude if I don’t show up? Remember, I will give her a gift.
— Danielle, Memphis, Tenn.
Dear Danielle: Let’s rethink this. While your business associate might be fine with receiving a gift, I think you are missing the bigger point. She likes you enough to include you in this special moment in her life. I believe that she wants you to be there. I also understand that you feel awkward right now. I want you to push past that self-consciousness. Usually there are organized activities at baby showers, so you won’t have to make small talk for a long time. Go to the shower. When you arrive, take a look around. If you recognize any guests, greet those people. Be sure to greet the mom-to-be warmly, and find a spot where you can sit and observe. It’s OK to be still and take it all in.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just received a phone call from my cousins, who live out east; they want to visit my family and me. That’s great since we haven’t seen one another for years. But there is a problem. My wife recently lost her job, and I’m on half-pay, so our resources are limited. My cousins are a family of six, and I know they don’t have much money, either. I don’t know if we can even afford to feed them for the 10 days they plan to visit. How do I address this with them? We don’t want to turn them away, but we don’t know what to do, either.
— Harry, Spokane, Wash.
Dear Harry: Here’s a time to think about how to take care of your family creatively. The most important thing is to be completely honest with your cousins. Paint a clear picture of what’s happening in your life right now. Tell them that you cannot afford to feed them without support. Suggest that you pool resources, cook together at home, and otherwise creatively devise affordable things to do together. Welcome their visit, provided they are crystal clear as to what they need to contribute. You may need to spell it out specifically — food and snacks for the children, chip in for daily meals, etc. Whatever you need to happen, say it so that no one suffers from a lack of understanding about the situation. You can do this if the two families work together.
• Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole accepts questions regularly. You can send questions to: askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o United Feature Syndicate, 200 Madison Ave., New York, NY 10016.
