DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband often forgets to do something special for me on special occasions. Like at Christmas, I received no gift, and he didn’t encourage our kids (who are 6 and 8) to do anything for me at all.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband often forgets to do something special for me on special occasions. Like at Christmas, I received no gift, and he didn’t encourage our kids (who are 6 and 8) to do anything for me at all. I, on the other hand, got something for him from me, plus I took the kids shopping one day so that they could help pick out something for him so that they would be participants in bringing him joy. I have told him that I like this way of giving gifts because it teaches the kids and it makes everyone happy. This past Christmas, he was back to the nothing gift. I can’t say I was overly sad about it, but I was disappointed that he’s not teaching my kids. So my birthday is coming, and I want him to remember and to get the kids to remember. I don’t want this because I’m itching for a gift. I really do think the family should do special things for one another at special times. Am I wrong? How can I get him to embrace this idea?
— Deb, New York, N.Y.
Dear Deb: You didn’t say how long you have been married, but it could be that your husband is never going to be wired like you. Even though he loves you, he may not ever rise to the challenge. This doesn’t mean you have to give up on your kids, though. You may have to teach them how to honor you directly. If your birthday is coming, talk to them about it. Encourage them to discuss what is special about birthdays for them. As they recall their birthday experiences, it will likely get their creative juices flowing. From there, tell them that you are looking forward to the ideas they come up with to celebrate your birthday. Suggest that they collaborate. Maybe they can make a card or other item, or they can even invite your husband to help them. (All of these can be your suggestions to them.) Let your husband know that you have had this conversation with them. Perhaps this year you will be pleasantly surprised, even if it is nudged by you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just got a request via e-mail from a “friend” I’ve known from work over the years asking me to donate money to her new project. She explained it well enough, which was fine, but I’m not interested in giving money to anything right now other than paying my bills. I give her credit for using the Internet to pitch to people. What I don’t like is that she has followed up about five times with e-mails and phone calls, trying to get me to pony up. Do I have to tell her no directly? It’s getting uncomfortable.
— Tammy, Richmond, Va.
Dear Tammy: Why not use her tool of choice — the Internet? Send her an e-mail expressing your happiness for her. Wish her luck, and tell her that you will not be contributing at this time.
• Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is the acting editor in chief of Ebony magazine. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o United Feature Syndicate, 200 Madison Ave., New York, NY 10016.
