Help Wanted

Basketball Hall of Famer Charles Barkley once said to fellow NBA player Steve Kerr: “Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn’t shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.”

While not the most complimentary statement ever uttered, it is true that some things seem to exist for one specific reason.

In my life, the month of March has only existed for one purpose: college basketball.

Without the NCAA basketball tournament, March would just be an excruciating waiting game until the start of the baseball season and NBA playoffs.

Plus, when I used to live back on the east coast, March was always deceivingly cold. The sun would be out, so I’d convince myself playing hoops was a good idea, only to come back inside 15 minutes later and need to slam my hands against a blunt object just to get some feeling back.

But as the ides of March approach, along comes the best yearly sporting event in the world to save an otherwise forgettable month.

For the past 15 years, I’ve been a college hoops junkie. Three or four nights of my week would consist of whatever lineup ESPN felt like showing.

Back-to-back Big East matchups? Sounds good.

Mountain West game at midnight? I’ll be there.

Ninth place in the Big 12 is on the line? You know where to find me.

Other than just getting the pure enjoyment of watching competitive games, I was doing my homework. March Madness is the final exam I was always most concerned about passing.

Filliing out brackets is a combination of a multiple-choice test and a choose-your-own-adventure story. You have to recall prior events to then predict the future, all the while trying to outmaneuver the rest of the world.

One of my claims to fame was in 2005 when I won a bracket pool that had over 550 participants.

(Not only did I finish first, I also had two other sheets come in third and 10th. Prize money will not be disclosed — tax purposes — but I was a popular guy during nights out for the remainder of that semester.)

It was my specialty. I’d do my own Selection Sunday bracket, predicting who I thought would be seeded where, then really get to work when the actual matchups were announced.

I may not have been able to tell you the GDP of the United States, but I could certainly tell you the RPI for Villanova.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because that version of me no longer exists and I’m turning to others for advice.

This season, I’ve basically been in hibernation. I’ve probably watched fewer than 40 minutes of live college hoops. That used to be half my typical evening.

The reasons for this are varied. I’m usually working while many games are going on, plus I don’t currently own a TV. (Yeah, I guess that’s a biggie.)

But I also think that there aren’t many compelling storylines this year. There is not a dominant team, nor a dominant player to always keep an eye on.

Kentucky’s John Wall is the closest, making himself the probable No. 1 pick in the NBA Draft as a freshman point guard.

Ohio State’s Evan Turner is an incredible story, suffering two broken vertebra early in the season and only missing SIX games! The junior is averaging 19.5 points, 9.4 rebounds and 5.8 assists for the season and is most likely at Top-3 pick.

I am also aware that the Big East is crazy good.

But other than that, every team and player seems about the same. There hasn’t been a single must-watch game all season. Not even Saturday’s Duke-UNC game was appointment viewing, thankfully.

So basically, I’m beginning to feel like instead of being properly prepared for this March exam, I need to spend the next week cramming — and I need help.

I’m calling out to you, the TGI community, to send me any and all your predictions for March Madness. Potential champs, sleepers, busts, I need anything I can get.

So please join my study group, because one bad exam can really kill my GPA.

Sports writer David Simon can be contacted at 245-3681 ext. 237 or at dsimon@kauaipubco.com.