One of the great things about having my email address printed in the newspaper is that I’m able to get emails from people I’d never expect. Since basically everyone on the planet is making New Year’s resolutions, a number of
One of the great things about having my email address printed in the newspaper is that I’m able to get emails from people I’d never expect. Since basically everyone on the planet is making New Year’s resolutions, a number of these find their way into my inbox.
Some of the people who like to share their hopes or promises for the coming year may surprise you.
Hawai‘i football coach Greg McMackin: I will follow in the footsteps of our president and make sure teleprompters are installed in every conference room across America. No more rogue comments!
Tiger Woods: I have learned my lesson and will do everything possible to rectify the situation. By this, I mean I will use my fortune to create untraceable text messaging software.
Chicago, Illinois: I will not mess with Rio de Janeiro.
Serena Williams: I will not threaten to use tennis balls for anything other than their designed function.
Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Caldwell: Though I am obviously a fugitive wanted by the FBI, I will continue to stay off their radar by remaining completely forgettable and avoiding such high-profile events like “historic undefeated seasons.”
Every fantasy football owner who drafted Peyton Manning: I will draft a backup quarterback with easy matchups in Weeks 16 and 17.
Michael Phelps: I will quit smoking.
Andre Agassi: I will dust off my mohawk toupe and wear it with pride.
Charles Barkley: This year I will lose 40 pounds, not get arrested and finally fix my golf swing. (This email has actually been sent for 12 consecutive years.)
New England Patriots coach Bill Belichik: I will change nothing about myself, for I am perfect the way I am.
Manny Ramirez: I will figure out a way to take ordinary nacho cheese and turn it into a re-usable and environmentally-friendly bathroom cleanser. Then if there is time, I’ll work on my defense.
Chicago Bulls head coach Vinny Del Negro: I will purchase a U-haul, affordable luggage, an airplane neck pillow and contact a headhunter.
Penn State football coach Joe Paterno (age 83): I will no longer participate in back-alley drag races on weeknights.
(That one definitely surprised me.)
Brett Favre: I will figure out a way to get to a new NFL team, lull them into a false sense of security, ignore my head coach and then disappoint my new fans once December rolls around.
Alabama head football coach Nick Saban: I will win a BCS Championship, leave Alabama for the NFL, ruin whichever franchise is stupid enough to hire me, create even more fans who will hate me forever, then return to college and somehow convince people it never happened.
LeBron James: I will lead the Knicks to an NBA championship. Did I say the Knicks? That’s weird. I meant the Cavs, right here in Cleveland.
Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco: I will lead my team to Super Bowl XLIV and, in turn, legally change my name to Chad XLIV.
Happy New Year!
