This article is a continuation of last week’s piece on personality types and parenting styles using the MBTI as reference. The MBTI describes 4 pairs of traits that can be combined into 16 personality types: extroversion/instroversion; sensing/intuitive; thinking/feeling; and judging/perceiving.
This article is a continuation of last week’s piece on personality types and parenting styles using the MBTI as reference.
The MBTI describes 4 pairs of traits that can be combined into 16 personality types: extroversion/instroversion; sensing/intuitive; thinking/feeling; and judging/perceiving. Below is a quick review of the four temperaments mentioned last week.
• Traditionalists (SJ-Sensing Judging)
Pays attention to the facts and details
Living in the present moment
Likes to have things decided
Prefers order and plans
Places high value to belonging and serving
Driven to do right
Follows rules easily
Takes life, responsibilities and themselves seriously
Dependent, thorough, and reliable
• Experiencers (SP-Sensing Perceiving)
Lives in the here and now
Realistic and practical
Prefers freedom, action and exploration
Prefers hands-on activities
Loves spontaneity
Seems to lack a sense of time and timeliness
Curious, flexible, playful and irreverent
• Idealists (NF-Intuitive Feeling)
Values relationships above all else
Tends to be empathetic and philosophical
Values authenticity and self understanding
Tends to take things personally and to feel things deeply
Seeks to understand the meanings of all things
Creative, loving, and affectionate
• Conceptualizers (NT-Intuitive Thinking)
Focus on possibilities, the big picture
Makes decision based on logic and analysis
Places high value on competence
Problem solvers
Intrigued with how things work
Strong-willed and independent
Confident, creative and imaginative
For parents, the journey has many chapters. First, you must know and understand your personality type. The next step is to identify and understand your child’s personality type. And finally, to create parenting strategies that will incorporate your strengths and play to your child’s strengths.
According to some experts, most conflicts come from differences in personality type. Parent and child relationships are no exception. When parent and child experience personality differences, the parent often thinks the child is misbehaving, pushing their buttons, or being deliberately defiant.
Do you value punctuality while your child is always late to dinner and slow to be ready for school? Do you prefer to be out and about while your child likes to stay at home?
If a parent understands that a child is acting according to his nature, then he/she can create win-win solutions to problematic situations.
Pat is at her wit’s end. No matter how much she has talked, illustrated and reminded her son to keep his room neat and orderly it looks like an aftermath of a tornado with piles of things on the floor. Pat’s preference is SJ (Sensing Judging) while her son’s is SP (Sensing Perceiving). She prefers order while he sees order in a different way. Now, Pat compromises with her son. As long as there is no hygiene, health or safety issues which are assessed with a weekly inspection, she just closes the door to his room and its many piles.
Joan’s temperament is NF (Intuitive Feeling) while her daughter’s is NT (Intuitive Thinking). Joan likes to express her affection and gives hugs only to have her daughter make faces or back away. Since she recognizes the personality differences, she does not take the distance personally or feel angry and rejected. Instead she allows her daughter some space or says “Can I have a hug?” to give her daughter a heads up.
Another point of importance is understanding current cultural pressures. Our culture overvalues certain characteristics such as extroversion, sensing, thinking and judging. Therefore, children growing up with preferences for introversion, intuition, feeling and perceiving may feel out of place and misunderstood and will need extra support and sensitivity from their parents.
According to Jung and Myers, a child’s personality is inborn and cannot be changed. As a parent, you can work with their personality, their strengths and help them to develop their weaknesses. Your child is unique and wonderful in their own way. What you say and think about them is important. So be careful that your parenting approach is not from a mindset that your child is flawed or broken.
• Tram Vuong Meadows is the therapeutic foster home program therapist for Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i. She can be reached at tmeadows@haleopio.org, or Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i Inc., 2959 Umi St., Lihu‘e, 96766. More general questions? A support group of adults in our Kaua‘i community have “stepped into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families. Please e-mail your questions and concerns facing our youth and families today to Mary Navarro, executive director of Hale ‘Opio, at mnavarro@haleopio.org
