Kai and Maya are the proud parents of a 2-year-old boy, Ethan, who is energetic, outgoing, inquisitive and strong-willed. The couple love each other and thought they got along well. Since becoming parents, they find that there is more tension
Kai and Maya are the proud parents of a 2-year-old boy, Ethan, who is energetic, outgoing, inquisitive and strong-willed. The couple love each other and thought they got along well. Since becoming parents, they find that there is more tension in the relationship especially when it comes to issues of parenting Ethan. Kai likes to play with Ethan; encouraging him to explore his world, to learn from experience and to be self-sufficient. Maya believes that independence for Ethan should be slow and gradual and it is the parent’s job to provide for him, to teach him right from wrong, and to keep him safe. Kai enjoys being spontaneous with Ethan; while Maya prefers to have a general structure and schedule for her son.
Good parenting skills require understanding the personality type you possess and the personality type that your child possesses. In addition, understanding each other’s personality style is crucial for both parents since differences in personality types most likely will result in differences in parenting approaches.
There are many assessment tools to help determine your personality type. One that is highly used by many professionals when working with families, couples, companies and individuals is the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). In addition to being the most used, its accuracy, reliability and validity come from its theoretical origin and strong research based data.
This article will use the MBTI, which designates 16 personality type categories as reference in its discussion of parenting types.
The MBTI has four scales that describe four pairs of tendencies that detail much of our daily behavior from how we interact with the world around us to how we interact with each other.
The 16 personality types can be grouped into four temperaments: SJ, SP, NF and NT. There are general parental tendencies that can be attributed to each group. The Personality-Power-for-Everyday-Living Web site lists these characterisitics as follows:
• SJ — Sensing Judging
The SJ will tend to be more strict parents driven by a need to teach right from wrong.
The SJ parent is more naturally prone to use corporal (spanking) punishment, or at least, believe that they should.
The SJ parent will tend to emphasize their child becoming socialized into the conventions and norms of community.
The SJ parent is likely to be very concerned with “providing” for the child.
The SJ parent can become somewhat overprotective in their pursuit of teaching and providing for their children.
The SJ parent is more likely to believe that children should be seen and not heard.
• SP — Sensing Perceiving
The SP parent will likely take a hands-off approach to raising children.
The SP parent is more naturally prone to permissiveness and overindulgence than overprotection, and more prone to under-supervision than to over-supervision as in the SJ temperament.
The SP parent will be prone to believe that their child needs freedom and latitude in order to experiment and discover life for themselves.
The SP parent will be more prone to allow the child to “learn the hard way.”
The SP parent can be prone to pay less attention to the physical and safety needs of their children.
The SP parent may be more likely to pay attention to the fun and adventure that their child can have.
Some SP parents can at times, when it seems logical, become very strict and will have a zero tolerance for back talk of any kind.
Many SP parents actually enjoy the play, the adventure and would prefer to join the child in play than have a serious discussion.
• NF — Intuitive Feeling
The NF parent will naturally seek “harmony” above all else with their children.
The NF parent normally needs to be intimately involved in their child’s life.
The NF parent strongly emphasizes a good positive self-image for their child.
The NF parent will be prone to touch, hugs, hair scratching, a pat on the back, other signs of physical affection that are appropriate. NF parents are very touchy-feely.
The NF parent is very likely to talk with their child, at an early age, about dreams, visions, fantasies, fairy tales.
The NF parent will also tend to express a general family harmony to the child. The child may be trained to consider the feelings and “harmony” of the entire family as well as their own.
• NT — Intuitive Thinking
The NT parent above all else is a natural “pragmatist,” and child rearing will be logical and down-to-earth.
The NT parent will be prone to naturally teach that there is a difference between a “right” and a “privilege.”
The NT parent will not impose unreasonable rules and regulations upon children, but will remove items, activities, people if these guidelines are abused or transgressed.
The NT parent has a natural tendency to teach self-reliance.
The NT parent will also have the tendency to treat the child as an individual responsible for themselves and their own behavior.
The NT parent is the least likely of the types to have a “plan” for raising the child, yet will do everything to teach self-reliance so their child can figure things out for themselves.
Since personality types are innate and instinctive, you cannot change them. And personality types are neither good nor bad. It is how, when and where you express them that can bring negative or positive consequences. Therefore, it is beneficial to understand your own personality type, to practice your strong tendencies and to further develop your less preferred traits. Along with the self knowledge, there can be more acceptance for another type that is different from your own. For parents with different parenting styles, knowing and accepting each other’s tendencies are key steps to working toward a complementary and consistent general parenting approach for your child.
• Tram Vuong Meadows is the Therapeutic Foster Home Program Therapist for Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i. She can be reached at tmeadows@haleopio.org, or Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i Inc., 2959 Umi St., Lihu’e, HI 96766. Questions? A support group of adults in our Kaua’i community have “stepped into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families. Please e-mail your questions and concerns facing our youth and families today to Mary Navarro, executive director of Hale ‘Opio, at mnavarro@haleopio.org
