A high-school teacher apologizes to any students hurt by his sarcasm. A youth expresses sorrow for giving a cruel nickname to a classmate, and asks his forgiveness. A parent tells a neighborhood teen that she regrets misjudging him as “a
A high-school teacher apologizes to any students hurt by his sarcasm.
A youth expresses sorrow for giving a cruel nickname to a classmate, and asks his forgiveness.
A parent tells a neighborhood teen that she regrets misjudging him as “a big bad boy” after discovering he’s “very nice and sweet.”
These weren’t the happy endings of a Disney teen flick, but real-life encounters in the Kapa‘a High School gym that marked the culmination of a Challenge Day workshop.
The full-day program, held April 20 at Waimea High School and the next day at Kapa’a, is intended to help youth, teachers, staff, parents and others in the community understand the ways in which people separate themselves from others, and explore methods for bringing them back together.
Through a series of exercises that forced participants to physically move out of their safety of their usual cliques, personal experiences shared by facilitators, small-group discussions and one-on-one sharing, participants were shown how hurtful behavior causes others to shut down emotionally, and then often inflict the same pain on others.
It was also obvious that nearly all those in the workshop had suffered some sort of physical or emotional abuse that made them feel inadequate, lonely, angry or afraid — feelings that in turn influenced how they treated others.
Another powerful exercise showed participants all the ways in which we judge one another, and how unpleasant it feels to judge and be judged.
In the small-group and one-on-one discussions, both youths and adults shared some of their deepest feelings, concerns, worries, fears and needs.
The activity was intended to provide people with a safe, supportive environment where they could take a closer look at past experiences that had made them feel inadequate or unworthy.
Challenge Day, a California-based nonprofit organization launched in 1987, strives to increase personal power and self-esteem among youth and others, while shifting peer pressure into peer support and eliminating the acceptability of teasing, bullying, oppression and all forms of violence.
In essence, it strips off the defensive, protective layers that people adopt to keep themselves safe. From that place of vulnerability, they can understand how cruel words and actions cause suffering, and thus gain deep compassion for themselves and others.
Its objective is to teach people how to be the change they want to see in the world by noticing what’s happening around them, choosing positive change, and acting as living examples of the power of contribution and compassion.
Some 500,000 persons have gone through the Challenge Day program on the Mainland and in Canada. After attending a program on O‘ahu last year, Kilauea resident Mary Chase was determined to bring Challenge Day to Kaua‘i.
She was aided by Laurel Brier, Nancy Zerner, Rebecca Smith, Ginny Hori and County Councilmember JoAnn Yukimura, as well as Waimea student Desiree Vea and Kapa‘a students Ava and Zuri Pommerenk.
Funding was provided by the County of Kaua‘i, West Kauai Community Coalition, Princeville Corp., the Kapaa and Hanalei Bay Rotary Clubs and Hawaii Chapter of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving).
Roy Nishida, the county’s anti-drug coordinator, visited the Kapa‘a High program, while Mayor Bryan J. Baptiste observed Waimea’s Challenge Day.
Nishida said that the Challenge Day programs are part of a broad-based prevention plan to combat drug use on Kaua‘i.
“It’s a good prevention program for the kids,” he said.
At Kapa‘a High, 105 youth and 30 adults participated in the program, while Waimea had a turnout of 136 kids and 30 adults. Lt. Gov. Duke Aiona was on hand for the start of the Kapa‘a program.
“I’m always up for new challenges, and that’s what this day is all about,” Aiona said. “I hope you’ll be open to it.”
Youth participants were first selected by teachers, then the list was reviewed by other students, with each teen finally deciding whether to attend. The result was a wide range of students, from the “geeks and dorks” who are often the butt of jokes and teasing, to the brains, surfers, stoners, misfits, jocks and popular kids. About half the adults were faculty and staff.
The workshop had some of the elements of a pep rally, with loud music and rousing cries of empowerment, and other aspects of a counseling session or encounter group. But even those who tend to shy away from such activities acknowledged that it worked, in part because the presenters, Yvonne and Kekoa, exuded sincerity and honesty.
Sharing their own encounters with bulimia, suicide, parental violence and alcohol abuse, siblings in jail and other tragedies all too common in families today, they were able to quickly show participants that bad things happen to most people, but we do have a choice in how they ultimately shape our lives.
They repeatedly drove home the message that people who have been hurt learn to hurt others, but learned behavior can also be unlearned. Through breaking this cycle, people have the power to create a world that is more peaceful, loving, kind and constructive, participants learned.
Participants, especially boys, were taught that it’s important to express their feelings, to seek out love and hugs, and speak up against hurtful, hateful behavior. They also learned they are not alone, in either their experiences of pain or feelings of inadequacy, a message echoed by many who spoke at the end of the workshop.
“Words can hurt people,” said one boy. “It’s not up to others to determine who we are. It’s up to us,” he said. “Be true to yourself. Don’t let anyone else determine who you are.”
A girl noted that she had felt like a victim because others judged her, “but I realize now I’m guilty of the same thing.”
Another girl told of how much it hurt when her older siblings told her not to cry “because it feels like no one listens to me or cares.” Her older sister apologized for ignoring her feelings and the two hugged, saying later it was one of the few times they had ever embraced.
A teacher confessed to feeling fear when faced with a classroom full of students, and another said she had learned “we’re all victims of what happened to us, and some of us never learned how to love.”
A boy apologized for disrupting a teacher’s class and acting disrespectfully, and said, “I’m sorry for all the times I said I was sorry but kept doing them.” Another girl said she had “realized the reality of everyone in here. Everyone’s not perfect.”
Throughout the day, it was apparent that the teens were anxious to talk, share their feelings, gain acceptance, and feel the love of others. It was also clear that the adults in their life can play a major role in helping youth feel loved and valued.
That sentiment was perhaps best expressed at the end of the day, when a sobbing girl thanked her English teacher for caring. “Maybe you don’t remember it,” she said, “but one day you just randomly said you believed in me. And that kept me going.”
Joan Conrow is a Kaua‘i-based freelance writer.
